


Wild Seedling

by Dawnlight6



Category: Strawberry Panic!
Genre: F/F, Post-Anime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-07 00:46:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12829713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawnlight6/pseuds/Dawnlight6
Summary: Things didn’t work out Post-Strawberry Hall quite how Miyuki imagined.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rating is for sex that will be in later chapters.
> 
> I always wanted to re-imagine this anime and its characters into a much more lesbian-friendly configuration, as opposed to the mess of shallow yuri stereotypes that it was. And because I apparently can't do anything by halves, it looks like this will probably turn into one of my longer works.
> 
> Familiarity with the anime itself probably isn't necessary for enjoying this story since I've taken quite a few liberties. I'd say for any of my regular readers who'd like a well written lesbian romance, give this a try even if you don't know the source material.

Things didn’t work out Post-Strawberry Hall quite how Miyuki imagined. At twenty-one, she thought she’d have finally learned how to be resigned, if not happy, with her lot in life, to have settled down into marriage, to have started to like her husband, to have maybe already had a child to stop her family from pestering her. Instead, none of those things had happened, and here she was, a divorced and penniless student, awkwardly edging into a lesbian bar for the first time.

The music was loud and crass and caused Miyuki to wince. As she made her way over to the bartender, she felt like every pair of eyes in the room was staring at her. The space between her shoulder blades began to crawl. Dredging up the confidence and authority of her Student Council days, she straightened her spine and refused to allow herself to be cowed.

She ordered an ice-tea from the incredulous spiky-haired woman serving the drinks and turned smartly once it was in her hand, as if she knew exactly what she was doing and had somewhere to go in this dark dive of an establishment, as if she didn’t think this was going to be the most mortifying and terrible night she’d had in a long time.

Her sweeping turn almost took out the person behind her, who hurriedly stepped back. Miyuki was about to apologise, but froze into surprised silence as she saw who the other person was. Honey-brown hair, brown eyes widened in shock like her own – For a moment the sudden sight the former Spica student took Miyuki back sharply into the past.

“Miyuki, is that you? It is, isn’t it? Whoever would have thought you’d show up in a place like this.”

“Momomi,” Miyuki greeted her as Momomi passed the empty beer pitcher she was carrying over to the spiky-haired woman. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

Though Miyuki had never imagined she’d run into someone she knew in this bar, on further consideration she couldn’t say she was surprised to see Momomi here too. After all, if Miyuki thought about it, this was exactly the sort of place one might expect someone like Momomi to show up.

The spiky-haired woman began to fill up the beer pitcher, all the while giving Miyuki and Momomi curious glances.

“It sure has been a while,” Momomi agreed. “I haven’t seen you since graduation. In fact, weren’t you supposed to have gotten married?” None too subtly, she looked at Miyuki’s bare fingers. “But you’re not wearing a wedding ring, are you?”

“That’s…A long story.”

Momomi picked up the re-filled pitcher and grabbed Miyuki’s hand. “Well you can tell us all about it after we sit down.”

“Us?” Miyuki asked, as she bemusedly allowed herself to be pulled along through the crowded bar.

“Mmm. Kaname and I, of course. Who did you think I meant?”

Miyuki had no answer to that. Nor any clues as to the bigger question of why Momomi would invite her to sit with them.

The ice clinked in her glass. Miyuki wondered whether her night was about to get better or become even worse than she’d feared.

* * *

The table Momomi took Miyuki to was, thankfully, in a quieter section of the bar upstairs. Kaname’s sharp eyes took in Miyuki with only a hint of surprise, and she leaned forward with a smile curling her lips that might have been a snarl.

“Well, well, look what my girlfriend dragged up from the dregs of this god-awful dive. Tell me, Miyuki, what brings you to our little corner of debauchery? I thought nice girls like you only kept the purest of emotions in your hearts and had no need for places like this.”

Momomi put the beer pitcher down on the table and slid into the seat beside Kaname. “Be nice, Kaname. I found her downstairs looking like she was afraid she was about to be eaten by a pack of wolves.”

“I did not look like that,” Miyuki said firmly as she chose one of the remaining empty seats, determined to hold onto what was left of her battered pride.

Kaname made an indeterminate noise and poured two glasses of beer.

Ignoring Miyuki, she began to talk to Momomi, seemingly picking up a conversation the two of them had been having before Miyuki’s arrival. They were in disagreement about whether they should move to a bigger apartment – Momomi wanted more space, but Kaname kept saying they couldn’t afford it. That meant the two of them lived together, still as close to each other as they’d been at Spica.

Miyuki had seen them once, amongst the shadowed shelves of the library’s uppermost floor; Momomi on her knees before Kaname, Kanme’s short skirt hiked up above her waist, her legs spread, her hips thrust forward into Momomi’s mouth, head thrown back while she moaned.

Everyone in the Student Council had feared the shortness of Miyuki’s temper all the rest of that week.

Miyuki noticed it when both Kaname and Momomi’s attention was taken by something behind her, their conversation stalling. A moment later she heard a light step, and suddenly there was another ghost from her past – Shizuma, looking down at her with a puzzled expression, silver hair tumbling over her shoulders, a delicate gown clinging to her figure. It was a gown that, worn by anyone else in an establishment like this, would have made the wearer seem overdressed and out of place. But Shizuma had the confidence to pull it off. Instead of seeming odd she looked like a queen, rightly standing out from the crowd, her beauty and elegance drawing half the eyes in the room.

“Shizuma!” Miyuki exclaimed. Her hands were suddenly sweaty, her cheeks flushed, her heart beating loud enough to drown out the music still playing downstairs. She both wanted to stare at Shizuma, take in every detail of her, and look away and never raise her head again. Her skin prickled with how near Shizuma was. Everything was flooding back to her, all those nebulous thoughts and feelings she’d never wanted to acknowledge, all the pain and longing of her high school days, when all she could do was watch and tell herself she could never have what she wanted.

“Oh, did I forget to mention?” said Momomi carelessly. “Shizuma will be joining us too tonight.”

Shizuma gave Momomi an unreadable, but perhaps slightly exasperated glance. She took the remaining empty seat at the table and placed down her glass of wine.

“Miyuki. I haven’t seen you since graduation.” The words were quiet. Miyuki felt her chest tighten, and kept staring at her drink as she felt the flickering touch of Shizuma’s olive-green eyes.

“Shizuma,” said Kaname, breaking the moment, “don’t tell me you’re drinking the wine they serve here? Again?”

“Beer is what commoners drink,” said Shizuma, shrugging with seductive attractiveness. “I don’t like it.”

“But no one drinks wine here, and the stuff they serve is—”

Surreptitiously, Miyuki flicked her gaze between the two. Unless Kaname had changed more than seemed likely, it wasn’t in her personality to brush off a casual insult like the one Shizuma had just thrown at her feet. And why were the two talking so familiarly? How did Shizuma even know Kaname and Momomi? She hadn’t been close to either of them in school.

Ignoring Kaname’s continued criticisms of the bar’s apparently substandard wine, Shizuma raised her glass to her lips and drank. Ever so slightly, she shuddered as she swallowed.

“See?” said Kaname, narrowing her eyes at Shizuma. “I don’t know why you insist on torturing yourself like this.”

Shizuma avoided further discussion of the topic by turning to Miyuki. “Miyuki, I must admit, I’m surprised to see you here. I wouldn’t have thought Kaname and Momomi would be your choice of drinking friends. Or that you’d want to drink in a place like this at all.”

“I suppose—” Miyuki stopped, becoming lost as soon as she met Shizuma’s gaze. “I suppose I’ve changed since we were in school.”

“Is that really so?”

The tone of the words was gentle, but they carried an inflection of scepticism that cut Miyuki to her core.

She forced herself to laugh and pasted a bright smile on her face. “Let’s not talk about me right now. Tell me Shizuma, how are you? Is everything going well? And—And Nagisa? How is she doing? She must have graduated by now, right?”

There was a strange expression in Shizuma’s eyes. “She did graduate, of course, but…We’re not together anymore. We broke up before she even left Miator.”

The smile faded from Miyuki’s face. “I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I didn’t know.”

“Well, it was a while ago now,” said Shizuma, calmer than Miyuki would have expected. “It doesn’t matter.” She gave Miyuki an assessing glance. “Anyway, despite what you say, I _do_ want to hear about you, Miyuki. Really, what are you doing here? Aren’t you married now? Why would you come to a place like this?”

It was more frightening than Miyuki would have expected it to be, to at last be in this moment where she was admitting to others for the first time what she’d done. She would have preferred to keep putting it off, but she knew how persistent Shizuma could be. If she wanted to know, she’d just keep bringing the conversation back to it until Miyuki told her.

So Miyuki squared her shoulders and finally looked properly at each of her companions in turn. “Yes, about that. I’m not married anymore. I got divorced.”

Momomi and Kaname both reacted with predictable disbelief, but not Shizuma. Miyuki was aware of her, pushing her mane of hair back behind her shoulder and taking another sip of wine, as if the news wasn’t shocking at all.

“It just wasn’t working,” Miyuki elaborated in the silence. “I was miserable.”

“Have you found something to do that is more to your liking, then?” asked Shizuma, the question soft, as if it was just the two of them, as if Momomi and Kaname weren’t there.

Miyuki looked at Shizuma from the corner of her eye. “Right now I’m studying.”

Kaname raised an eyebrow. “And what noble profession will be so fortunate as to enjoy the talents of the great Miyuki Rokujou in the near future?”

With a sigh, Miyuki admitted, “schoolteaching.”

Much to her mortification, Kaname and Momomi burst out laughing.

“Oh Miyuki,” gasped Kaname, “don’t do it! You’ll probably end up as headmistress at Miator if you go down that path.”

The same thing had occurred to Miyuki; an unpleasant spectre that kept her awake at night. Why was it no matter what she chose, she could never seem to escape from the burdens others wished to place on her? She gave Kaname an angry look, but didn’t say anything. What could she say, when Kaname was probably speaking the truth?

“Is that what you want, Miyuki?” said Shizuma, her voice like a whisper of temptation.

“It’s practical,” said Miyuki, forcing herself to sound like that was all that mattered. “I need something that will give me a steady income. I have some of my own money, enough to see me through my studies if I’m careful, but after that…”

“Your husband didn’t give you a settlement?” asked Kaname. “That’s stingy.”

“I couldn’t accept anything like that,” said Miyuki. “Him, my family, they’d just use it as a way to try and control me. I have to do this on my own.”

“Well, Miyuki,” Momomi said, the teasing in her voice clashing with the harshness in her eyes as she looked at her old school mate, “even if things seem bleak now, I think you’ll find there are at least some advantages to having a fall from grace.” She threw her arms possessively around Kaname and grinned sharply. “For one thing, doing it with girls is definitely much better.”

Momomi, Kaname and Shizuma were all looking at Miyuki, all waiting to see how she’d react, probably expecting her to shoot to her feet in offended denial and outrage. She closed her eyes for a moment. “I know,” she said quietly. “Maybe that was the problem. I knew, before I married him.”

Even Shizuma gave a sharp intake of breath at that.

“You did it?” Momomi demanded incredulously. “With who? When?”

When Miyuki was first thinking of leaving her husband and launching herself into a cold and uncertain future, she could never have imagined that a night like this would come, where she’d end up discussing that secret and long ago liaison with a group of her former school mates in a lesbian bar. But, since she’d come this far, she decided she might as well go all the way, so to speak. There was nothing left for her to lose, and maybe, just maybe, if she could show Shizuma she wasn’t afraid to admit her desires anymore, she’d have a chance at something she’d thought would always be beyond her reach.

Keeping her eyes on Momomi and Kaname, Miyuki answered Momomi’s question. “Tamao Suzumi. It happened after Shizuma and Nagisa started their relationship. Tamao and I were spending a lot of time together, working on Student Council things. She was miserable about Nagisa. I was miserable because I was soon to be married. And one night we just…” She made a vague motion with her arm, a stand in for the words she didn’t quite want to say. “Everything about it was wretched, yet I still felt something with her I never felt with my husband.”

“What was that?” asked Momomi, blinking curiously.

Miyuki curled her lips in a cold smile, full of disappointment at her own body’s stubborn cravings. “Excitement.”

“Well, you’re just full of surprises, aren’t you?” said Kaname, propping her chin in her hand.

Looking away from them, Momomi’s surprise and Kaname’s unsympathetic judgement of her duplicity, Miyuki flicked her eyes nervously towards Shizuma. “How did…You and Nagisa break up, if you don’t mind me asking?”

To Miyuki’s surprise, Shizuma answered easily, appearing quite calm. “We drifted apart after I graduated. It felt difficult to maintain any sense of intimacy, any momentum. That probably means there wasn’t much there to begin with. Not that I ever would have admitted that, of course. Not when I had the whole school to impress with the fulfilment of my great declaration of love. Nagisa was unhappy, and she’d always been close to Tamao, and Tamao had been in love with Nagisa from the start…”

“Wait, you’re saying that Tamao and Nagisa—?”

“She’s giving you the censored version, Miyuki,” Kaname interrupted, sharp amusement flickering through her eyes. “What actually happened, the way she found out, is that Shizuma went back to the school one weekend intending to surprise Nagisa. She walked into Nagisa's room, and found her in bed with Tamao. They’d been having an affair. After that, well…Everything fell apart for Shizuma and Nagisa, naturally.”

Shizuma’s cheeks reddened.

“I can hardly believe it,’ said Miyuki, stunned.

“Ah.” Kaname gave an exaggerated sigh. “Poor Shizuma. She has such terrible luck in love. Her first lover dies, her second lover cheats on her and leaves her for someone else. So much tragedy in her young life.”

Shizuma shot Kaname a look that was more mild annoyance than murderous fury, and that was perhaps even more shocking to Miyuki than the revelation of Nagisa’s affair. The fact that Shizuma was allowing Kaname to get away with teasing her like this meant that they didn’t just know each other as acquaintances; they had to be friends. At what point, and how, could that possibly have happened?

“Nagisa and Tamao, are they still…” Miyuki found herself asking.

“Are they still together?” Shizuma finished. “They are, and very happy by all accounts. After graduating, they moved into a cottage in the country…Actually not too far from Amane’s family estate. Tamao has been making inroads into local politics in the region; she always did like that sort of thing, and it probably helps being on good terms with the most influential family in the area.”

“Amane,” said Miyuki, remembering the tall, princely girl who’d been so beloved of Spica. “She had someone too, didn’t she? Hikari…”

“Hikari Konohana,” Momomi finished, when Miyuki stumbled trying to remember the sweet blonde girl’s surname. “And of course she lives with Amane on the estate now. The two of them are busy having babies and raising horses together and being so sickeningly sweet they’re like a tooth cavity waiting to happen. Blech. Tamao and Nagisa probably moved where they did to be close to Hikari, is my guess. The three of them were always together at Strawberry Hall.”

“You really forgot about us all quickly, didn’t you Miyuki?” Shizuma’s silky voice said. “To not know any of this at all.”

“It’s not that,” Miyuki protested, not wanting Shizuma to think she’d moved on so callously. “Right after my marriage, we moved overseas for my husband’s career. So I never had the opportunity to find out these things. I’ve only been back home a little while.”

She didn’t add the rest. That at the time she thought it would be easier if she cut herself off completely from her old life, less painful not to have any reminders of the limited freedom she’d possessed while she was still a girl.

There was a short silence in which they all sipped their drinks. Miyuki couldn’t stop stealing glances at Shizuma, noticing her skin, her hair, the beautiful style she seemed able to imbue into even the smallest of movements. She lived so easily and confidently in her own body, she was always so sure of herself.

During school, Miyuki and Shizuma had always danced around each other, their relationship more charged than friendship, but never tumbling over the edge into being lovers. Shizuma had made advances to her, but Miyuki had always pushed her away, had always pretended to herself that it didn’t mean anything, that it was just Shizuma being the flirt she was.

More and more Miyuki had come to regret that cowardice as her failing marriage floundered on, had wished she could go back in time and be a better, braver version of herself who didn’t live by self-negation and denial.

Shizuma looked up from her drink, her eyes colliding with Miyuki’s. Miyuki didn’t look away from her this time, didn’t even care if Shizuma could see her thoughts. Maybe she wanted her to.

“What are you doing now, Shizuma, career wise?” Miyuki asked on impulse. “You never used to talk about what you’d do after school. You always said you didn’t care; that you just wanted to be free to go your own way once you graduated.”

Shizuma smiled. “Did I say that? How very romantic of me. Well, Miyuki, you’ll be glad to know I’ve grown out of that to become a productive and hard-working member of society, though you might not quite approve of my profession. I own a modelling and fashion agency. Kaname is actually my best model – that’s how we know each other.”

“Kaname…A model?” Miyuki stared at Kaname doubtfully, who gave her a sharp-edged smile.

It wasn’t that Kaname wasn’t beautiful – she certainly was – but it was a hard, brittle beauty, the sort that made her seem dangerous, not all feminine softness like the few other models Miyuki had come across in her encounters in the higher echelons of society.

“Kaname has a presence like no other,” Shizuma elaborated. “During fashion shows, she always looks like she’s barely restraining herself from killing everyone in a fit of pique. It gives her a most unusual flair. And she has no qualms about modelling some of my more…Unconventional creations.”

“And I’m Kaname’s manager,” Momomi added. “I get to be with her all the time, like this.”

“But isn’t that rather, er, unprofessional, if the two of you are in a relationship?”

“Unprofessional?” said Momomi in mock confusion, directing the question towards her partner. “Kaname, what’s she talking about?”

“No idea,” said Kaname. She raised her hand to Momomi’s cheek, turning Momomi towards her, and after exchanging a heated glance the two began to kiss; slow, deep, passionate kissing that belonged in a bedroom, not at a bar table.

Miyuki ground her teeth and glanced down at her hands, feeling a blush of embarrassment on her cheeks.

Shizuma, meanwhile, seemed perfectly at ease. She sat with her chin propped in her hand, her eyes resting on Kaname and Momomi; not really staring, more like they just happened to be what was in her line of vision as she pursued inner thoughts of her own.

Finally the two separated, and Miyuki caught an unwelcome glimpse of Momomi’s tongue and the glisten of saliva at the edge of Kaname’s mouth.

Momomi suddenly flashed her eyes at Miyuki, giving her a wicked smile. “Well, Miyuki, it was nice to see you again, but I think it’s about time for me to be taking Kaname home. Can’t keep her out too late, you know. Busy schedule and all.” She tucked her hair behind her ear. It had gotten rather mussed in her make-out session with Kaname.

After getting to her feet, Momomi nodded respectfully to Shizuma. “Shizuma, a pleasure as always.”

“Likewise,” said Shizuma. “I hope you do enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Momomi laughed shamelessly. “Oh we will.”

“Bye Shizuma, Miyuki,” said Kaname laconically, pushing her chair back, her gaze resting on Miyuki for a moment with what seemed to be a mixture of amusement, contempt, and pity. She flicked her eyes away and took Momomi’s hand, smiling at her. “Ready to go?”

“Mmm.” Momomi confirmed.

The two had drawn away a little before Shizuma called after them, “don’t forget the fitting on Monday!”

“We won’t,” Kaname tossed back over her shoulder.

Miyuki watched as Kaname drew closer to Momomi, whispering something into her ear that made Momomi giggle, the two exchanging a conspiratorial look that hinted at the existence of a whole private language just their own.

“You look jealous, Miyuki,” Shizuma said in amusement.

“Humph.” Miyuki turned her head away as Kaname and Momomi reached the stairs. “As if.”

When she looked back to Shizuma, she had that mischievous look about her that always preceded some trouble she was planning. “Wait here for a little while, Miyuki. I’ll be back.”

She was gone before Miyuki could protest, and Miyuki sat uncomfortably alone at the table, half-wondering whether that fey expression meant Shizuma wasn’t planning to come back, if the joke was to leave Miyuki waiting in the bar for the rest of the night. But Shizuma did return, just as she’d promised, carrying two glasses of red wine.

She placed one in front of Miyuki. “Here. You look like you could use something stronger than ice-tea.”

Miyuki took an experimental sip and repressed a shudder. “Kaname was right. It is terrible.”

“Yes, it’s terrible,” Shizuma agreed, taking a long draught none the less.

“Why?” said Miyuki. “Why do you drink it?”

Shizuma’s manner suddenly changed, her eyes going wild and dark in a way Miyuki remembered only too well. “Perhaps to test my character, through exposure to adversity.”

And just like she used to when they were friends, Miyuki smiled at Shizuma, teasing her for being overly-dramatic. “That’s a ridiculous answer, Shizuma.”

“Mmm, ridiculous,” Shizuma agreed.

They lapsed into silence, looking into each other’s eyes. Miyuki could hear the music pounding downstairs, louder than it had been before. Shizuma seemed in no hurry to say anything, almost looking as if she was waiting curiously to see what, if anything, Miyuki was going to say.

Miyuki closed her eyes. Her hands were shaking. She jumped when she felt Shizuma’s touch, when she felt Shizuma gently placing her hand over Miyuki’s own.

She forced herself to open her eyes again, and found Shizuma gazing at her with an oddly compassionate and understanding expression.

“Shizuma,” Miyuki whispered, drowning in those bottomless green eyes, “take me home with you. Please.”

Shizuma considered Miyuki, head tilted. Then she rose to her feet and held her hand out to Miyuki without speaking. Miyuki took it.

They left their unfinished wine on the table.


	2. Chapter 2

Shizuma took Miyuki to a sleek, stylish car, rolling her eyes at the severe look Miyuki gave her.

“I haven’t even had two glasses of wine, Miyuki. But if you’re too scared to step into this car with me, you’re free to go. Your choice.”

Miyuki glanced down the wet, empty street, towards the metro station where the last train would probably be leaving soon. She decided to get into the car.

There was little conversation on the drive. Shizuma’s family was rich, and especially given the car, Miyuki had expected to be taken somewhere sumptuous and spectacular, and was surprised when Shizuma pulled up in front of a modest two-story terrace house in a nice, but hardly exclusive, neighbourhood.

“You live here?” she asked, looking at Shizuma with an arch in her eyebrows.

Shizuma gave her a small, amused smile. “Perhaps you’re not the only one for whom some things have changed, Miyuki. Come on, let’s go inside.”

Once they were in the house, Shizuma led Miyuki upstairs to a large airy bedroom without any preamble. Staring at the large bed in the middle of the room, it occurred to Miyuki that she hadn’t even asked Shizuma if she was single, and immediately got an unpleasant feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“Shizuma,” she said hesitantly, “You don’t live here with anyone do you?”

“Of course not,’ said Shizuma, the words short. “I wouldn’t bring you home if I already had someone. But Miyuki—”

“I know,” said Miyuki. You don’t have to say it.”

This was only for one night.

She looked away from Shizuma because she didn’t want Shizuma to see how that thought saddened her, and her eyes caught on the collection of photos on Shizuma’s dressing table. There were several of Shizuma’s family; her parents, her cousins, her aunts and uncles, posing casually in tennis whites or lazing on glorious foreign beaches. There was the old picture of Kaori and Shizuma wearing their Étoile pendants. A group picture…Miyuki moved closer to look at it, realising it was a photograph of Amane, Hikari, Nagisa and Tamao, recent from the looks of it. Her eyes widened.

“Amane, she looks like she’s—”

Shizuma sat down on the edge of the bed. “Yes, she’s pregnant with their first child right now. Momomi said they were having babies, remember?”

Miyuki sat down next to Shizuma, hands clasped in her lap. “I thought she meant Hikari.”

Shizuma began to remove her jewellery, placing it, rather haphazardly in Miyuki’s opinion, on one of the bedside tables. “I think they’re planning for Hikari to have the next one. Like Momomi said, Amane and Hikari live with Amane’s parents on the estate that’s been in their family for generations. Amane is the only child and heir of her parents, and they adore her, she can do no wrong in their eyes; they pretty much accepted her relationship with Hikari right away. It probably helps that Hikari is…Well, the way she is. All innocence and light. But, you know, Amane still has to be the one to produce an heir and carry on the family line. That was the one stipulation her parents insisted upon. So Amane decided to get it out of the way as quickly as possible, because as soon as it’s done she’ll be able to go back to her riding and her horses and she won’t have to worry about any more interruptions.”

“How—?” asked Miyuki, not quite wanting to finish the question, several unpleasant scenarios circling through her mind.

“How did they manage the pregnancy? It’s nothing disgusting, if that’s what you’re thinking. The official word is they used an anonymous sperm donor from a sperm bank, but I have my doubts about that. I think Amane’s parents are too invested in bloodlines to let their grandchild have just anyone’s genes. Personally, I think they found a discreet and understanding gentleman of their own social standing who, er, provided the necessary materials for Amane and Hikari to use at their leisure.”

“Oh,” said Miyuki, thinking this had to be the strangest pre-coital conversation any couple had ever had. “And Hikari, once it’s her turn to have a child? They’ll use this same gentleman again?”

Shizuma titled her head. “Probably not. I think they’ll find someone from Amane’s side of the family, a distant third or fourth cousin who they can buy off. Because they’d want Hikari’s child to be part of the clan too.”

“That almost sounds like incest.”

“Not really. The donor won’t be a blood relation of Hikari, only of Amane. Anyway,” Shizuma turned towards Miyuki, running her fingers through the long strands of hair that framed Miyuki’s face. “This is a rather boring conversation, don’t you think? There’s something else I’d like to talk about. Something I’ve been wanting to ask you for a long time, Miyuki.”

“What is it?” said Miyuki, blood starting to pound in her ears.

Shadows of deeper green shifted through Shizuma’s eyes, and her voice became pensive. “All those years ago when we were in school, you gave Kaori to me like a gift. Nagisa too, really. Why? Did it make you happy, always pushing me into someone else’s arms?”

“No,” said Miyuki tightly. “But I thought if you were with someone else it would stop me from wanting you so damn much.” She dropped her gaze, deliberately stroking her hand down Shizuma’s silk-clad thigh before looking up again. “It didn’t work.” Her voice came out raw with desire, not sounding like her own.

Shizuma’s eyes heated. “Miyuki,” she whispered, drawing close to Miyuki and kissing her.

Miyuki moaned low in her throat when she felt Shizuma’s lips meet hers, a sound she hadn’t even known she was capable of making. That time Shizuma had kissed Miyuki with her breasts half bare; that kiss had haunted Miyuki’s dreams, along with obscene thoughts of what might have happened if she hadn’t pushed Shizuma away.

She’d spent years denying that she wanted this, and then more years telling herself why she could never have it once the denial didn’t work anymore. She put her arms around Shizuma’s waist and pulled her in close, tearing through all those false arguments she’d used, no longer willing to live an empty life filled with longing for things she couldn’t have. Shizuma undid the buttons on Miyuki’s blouse as they continued to kiss, deep kisses like the ones Kaname and Momomi had shared in the bar, and slid her hand down to Miyuki’s bare abdomen and stroked her skin, danced her fingers over her ribs and daringly pushed her hand under her bra.

Miyuki arched into her touch with a strangled noise, beyond remembering any sense of embarrassment, and in one fluid gesture threw off the blouse and the bra and wrapped herself around Shizuma and fell back with her on the bed, letting Shizuma land on top of her, her knee between Miyuki’s legs.

Shizuma raised herself on her arms, looking down at Miyuki with a surprised expression. Miyuki knew she was half-naked, flushed, breathing hard, as obvious and ready as any one of Shizuma’s willing conquests. She didn’t care anymore. What she’d admitted to Shizuma was true. She’d spent years meddling in Shizuma’s love life, manoeuvring girls in and out of her bed, but what she’d really been doing was trying to stop herself from becoming Shizuma’s lover, always telling herself it wouldn’t work because there was another warm body in the way.

“Shizuma,” said Miyuki, her voice trembling and pitched lower than normal, “you can do whatever you want.”

Shizuma’s eyes widened and Miyuki both heard and felt her sharp intake of breath. She moved her hand down Miyuki’s body again, caressing, going lower and pressing between her legs. Miyuki strained towards her, opening herself further, fumbling clumsily with the fastening of the trousers she was wearing. This was only the second time she’d worn such a garment, and right at that moment, desperate as she was for Shizuma’s touch on her naked skin, she would gladly have exchanged it for any skirt, even Miator’s Victorian monstrosity, anything to give Shizuma access to her.

“Miyuki.” Shizuma spoke in a low, liquid tone. She covered Miyuki’s hands, stilling her, but the gesture was more comforting and calming than it was passionate restraint. Mischief lurked unexpectedly in her eyes once more, and she leaned down to Miyuki, covering her completely while she whispered into her ear, “the slacks make you look very modern. I like it. But you don’t just get to lie there and make me do all the work. Contrary to what you might have been told, that’s not how it works in the lesbian world.”

She guided Miyuki’s hand to the zipper at her back; the sound of its undoing was loud and full of significance in a room that had no other sounds besides their mingled breaths and the clock ticking on the mantelpiece. Shizuma peeled out of her gown and it was shocking and wonderful and sacred, like seeing a goddess reveal herself; afterwards she sat naked on the bed with her feet tucked beneath her, still remarkably collected, unabashedly meeting Miyuki’s eyes.

Tugging on Miyuki’s hand, she said, “sit up for a moment.”

“What for?”

“It’s easier to wash dirty sheets than it is dirty bedspreads.”

“Oh. Right.”

It was only once Shizuma pointed it out that Miyuki realised they were still on top of the covers. She sat up and helped Shizuma push them out of the way, leaving them in a tumbled mess at the foot of the bed. She stared at the expanse of the sheet-clad mattress and its pillows, aware of Shizuma’s legs sliding against each other beside her, and wished she could touch Shizuma as boldly as Shizuma had touched her, wished she could place her hand against Shizuma and feel whether she was wet too.

Miyuki was soaking; it was going to be obvious as soon as she took off her pants. She’d smear her scent all over Shizuma’s sheets, she wouldn’t be able to help it. What was Shizuma going to think of her? To be so crass, so—

“Miyuki.” Shizuma’s voice cut into her thoughts. “Stop panicking.”

“What makes you think I’m panicking?”

“You frown. Your shoulders tense up. I’ve known you long enough to recognise the signs. Now.” She shifted closer to Miyuki and caressed her face. Miyuki could feel the warmth of her body, tantalising her with the immanent fulfilment of the frustrated longings that had been disturbing her peace for years. “Are you really sure you want to do this?”

Miyuki lifted her chin. “Yes, Shizuma.”

Shizuma smiled softly, genuine happiness lighting up her face at Miyuki’s answer. All right then.”

Her hands returned to Miyuki’s trousers. Miyuki’s breaths grew ragged. She rose to her knees while Shizuma drew the trousers down her thighs, the brush of her fingers pleasurable torture against her sensitised skin. Miyuki was even wetter than she thought she’d be, so wet several sticky strings clung between her body and her underpants for long mortifying seconds, and Shizuma saw, Miyuki knew because she watched her eyes, saw how they were drawn to the sight.

She covered her face with her hands, sinking back down with the trousers still bunched on her lower legs. “Shizuma, I’m sorry.”

Shizuma grabbed Miyuki’s hands and forced them away from her face. Her look was serious, intense, and she didn’t allow Miyuki to shrink away from her. “Miyuki, what on earth are you ashamed of? You know this is normal, right? How it should be when you’re with someone you like?”

“I know, Shizuma, it’s just…”

A lifetime of socialisation that told her she existed only to pleasure others and never take it for herself; that said her body was for children and not for sexual joy, especially not sex like this where there was no other purpose besides coming again and again. She didn’t say any of that, but she didn’t need to. She could tell from the understanding that came into Shizuma’s eyes that she knew exactly what Miyuki was going through.

“Do you want to stop?”

“No!” This was the second time Shizuma had asked her. Maybe she was the one who was starting to reconsider. Miyuki must be the most difficult one night stand Shizuma had ever saddled herself with, her nervousness and inexperience all too plain. “Do _you_ want to stop, Shizuma?”

“No, of course I don’t,” Shizuma whispered. She gave Miyuki a searching look, and apparently, whatever she saw there reassured her, because she touched Miyuki gently, drawing her down into the bed so they were lying side by side, pulling Miyuki’s trousers the rest of the way off and flinging them across the room as though they’d offended her.

With both of them naked, Shizuma began to kiss Miyuki, long, lingering kisses that seemed redolent with the flavour of suppressed passion at last released, caressing her as if she’d spent a lifetime of wanting Miyuki in her arms, and if Miyuki had ever spent time imagining what Shizuma would be like in bed (which she certainly hadn’t, she sternly reminded herself), this wouldn’t have been at all what she expected.

Shizuma could keep her emotions so contained when she chose; Miyuki would have imagined going to bed with her would be like getting swept up in a storm of passion that was curiously impersonal, more like an act of nature than a merging of souls.

But there was an intimacy to this that Miyuki had never known before in her (admittedly) rather limited experience, as if Shizuma had been waiting for this night as long as Miyuki had, and she wanted Miyuki to know it with the intensity of her touch.

Miyuki’s own hands had been pressed flat to Shizuma’s back, but ever so tentatively she began to move them, caressing Shizuma, exploring her body as Shizuma was exploring hers. Shizuma made a delightful little noise and bucked against her, bumping their hips together, sending pleasure spiking through Miyuki’s stomach.

Becoming bolder, Miyuki cupped Shizuma’s breasts, fingering her nipples until they were red and hard; kissed her way down the pulse in Shizuma’s throat, sunk her teeth into the pale skin of her shoulder before she knew she’d done it and felt Shizuma jolt, fingers clenching on Miyuki’s skin.

Drawing back to look at Shizuma, Miyuki could feel the familiar flame of embarrassment on her cheeks. She was mortified she could have done such a thing, afraid of what Shizuma would think of her, but Shizuma’s eyes were hazy, and she didn’t seem to know why Miyuki was stopping.

“Shizuma,” said Miyuki, beginning in an apologetic whisper.

“By all that is holy, Miyuki.” Shizuma cut Miyuki off as soon as she realised where this was going. “Not another apology, please. Love bites are within the bounds of accepted activities, do carry on.”

Despite her imperious tone, Miyuki could tell there was a frayed edge to Shizuma’s voice that wasn’t normally there. Flecks of darker green came into her eyes as Miyuki slid her hand lower, between Shizuma’s legs, encouraged by a needy groan and the way Shizuma arched up into her touch, thighs parting. She _was_ wet, slick and sticky and hot; it didn’t seem quite real that Miyuki was finally touching her, that Shizuma’s eyes were on her like this, urging her on as she rolled onto her back, taking Miyuki’s hand with her, holding her wrist, keeping her there, as if to make it utterly clear she didn’t want Miyuki to stop.

Miyuki let out a shuddering breath, exploring Shizuma, drinking in the sight of her, every shiver, every sound she made. She moved her fingers higher, pressing against Shizuma’s clit, circling tentatively.

“Like…This?” Miyuki meant it as a genuine question. How was she supposed to know what Shizuma liked? What she didn’t like? What if she touched her wrong, in some awful way that made Shizuma hate her? A shiver passed through her at the thought and her stomach seemed suddenly filled with lead.

She felt Shizuma pulse sharply against her fingers. There was something wild in her eyes as she pulled Miyuki down to her, plundering her mouth, placing her own hand over Miyuki’s again and guiding her, whispering quirks and preferences as she did so.

“Like that,” she said breathlessly, as Miyuki continued under Shizuma’s guidance. “And…Like this.” Very deliberately she manipulated Miyuki’s hand again, curling her third and fourth fingers into her palm, along with her thumb, leaving her index and middle fingers extended.

Miyuki’s heart began to pound like a runaway freight train. Shizuma gave her a wicked hooded smile then guided Miyuki into her, setting the pace, the rhythm, the angle, until she let go and Miyuki took over, trying to match what Shizuma had shown her.

Miyuki kissed Shizuma as Shizuma arched up into her; wild, passionate kisses that were years of pent up might-have-beens and aborted opportunities, and all Miyuki could do was regret with stinging eyes the fear that had kept her from this for so long, and kiss Shizuma all over again.

She drew back to whisper something in Shizuma ear, and when Shizuma nodded Miyuki kissed her way down Shizuma’s body to suck on her clit, to tease her folds with long strokes of her tongue. She was well aware she could hardly be the best or most experienced lover Shizuma had ever been with, but she did her best to read Shizuma’s body, her responses, listen to her whispered urgings, and soon enough Shizuma was tensing, arching harder into Miyuki’s mouth, coming hard, spasming around Miyuki’s fingers still buried within her, holding onto Miyuki’s shoulders with a desperate tethering grip as her orgasm rocked her.

In the aftermath, Shizuma relaxed back onto the bed, stomach still twitching, her gasps loud. Miyuki slipped her fingers out of her, and smiled tentatively as Shizuma opened her eyes. There was a kind of bursting warmth in Miyuki’s chest she’d never experienced before, yet she was also terrified – Terrified that Shizuma would look at her with disappointment or contempt or any other number of negative emotions.

“Was that okay?” she asked, voice dry and trembling.

With a long, languorous stretch, Shizuma quirked her lips upwards as she met Miyuki’s anxious gaze. “Yeah,” she whispered. With a soft expression, she reached out to stroke Miyuki’s hair. “I never imagined I’d run into you again like this, but I’m glad I did Miyuki. I’m glad we’re doing this. I always thought…You deserved so much better than you were willing to allow yourself.”

Closing the space between them once more, Shizuma kissed Miyuki purposefully, eating her mouth, her hand dipping to cup Miyuki, play with her, fondle her, finally stroking her pulsing swollen clit just when Miyuki thought she was going to lose her mind. With an incoherent noise, she nudged into Shizuma’s hand.

“Shizuma…” Breaths ragged, Miyuki paused, watching Shizuma watch her, green eyes curious and alert. “Please go down on me,” she finished in a rush, noting the surprise that flickered briefly across Shizuma’s face, not at the request, but at the fact that Miyuki had voiced it.

“Certainly, Miyuki,” she drawled with mock formality and politeness, the way she might have spoken at a deadly-dull meeting at Strawberry Hall.

“Oh God, shut up,” Miyuki groaned, seeking Shizuma’s mouth with her own again, hungry for her, all her earlier embarrassment forgotten as Shizuma explored her body with her mouth, her fingers, sending Miyuki into a world of pleasure she could scarcely have imagined. With aching fierceness Miyuki wished this could be her life for more than one night, that she could belong here with Shizuma, in her bed, her life, that she could escape the fate of a lonely spinster she was already unwisely building for herself.

There was a flash of mischief in Shizuma’s eyes the moment before she closed her mouth over her, slipped into her, possessing Miyuki with a passion that was all she wanted to know for the rest of her life. Fire ripped through her veins with a fierceness she couldn’t long withstand, and she was coming, faster than she ever had before, sobbing Shizuma’s name, still writhing to be closer to her, and then lingering for long moments with her body bathed in pleasure, coming down slowly and trying to stop her mad, dragging breaths, opening her eyes to find Shizuma watching her with a steady gaze.

“Had you asked, I would have done that for you a long time ago, you know.”

“I know,” said Miyuki. After a struggle, she succeeded in sitting up and pushed her hair back out of her eyes.

Her chest was suddenly starting to feel tight, and despite scrubbing at her eyes and swallowing hastily several times, Miyuki realised with dawning horror that she wasn’t going to be able to stop herself. She was going to cry.

It was a brief and bitter storm, soon passed, and she was both surprised and grateful to find that Shizuma seemed to easily accept it, holding Miyuki and murmuring soothingly until her tears waned.

“Still a cry baby huh?” Shizuma whispered, not unkindly, her hands stroking gently over Miyuki’s back.

Miyuki gave a wobbling laugh. “Pathetic, isn’t it?”

“Well, just don’t tell me it’s because you hated it.”

“Shizuma, no, of course not!” As she spoke, Miyuki drew back to make eye contact, and caressed Shizuma’s cheek. “It’s just…”

She couldn’t finish, because she didn’t want to say. Three years of gritting her teeth and doing her duty with her husband. Her constant feelings of frustration and powerlessness. Her own anger at herself for giving into her family without even trying to stand up to them.

With a sigh, Miyuki shrugged. “It’s just that you’re right, Shizuma. I wish we’d done this years ago.”

Shizuma gave her a look Miyuki couldn’t quite read. “Whether it was years ago or five minutes ago, you’re still facing the same choice, aren’t you Miyuki? That always seems to be the part where you struggle.”

Miyuki chewed her lip. “Truthfully Shizuma, I don’t know where I am right now. I—”

She stopped as Shizuma held a finger to her lips, a look of self-reprehension on her face. “No, Miyuki. You don’t have to justify yourself. I didn’t mean to make it sound as if you did.”

And yet, despite her words, Miyuki thought she saw something in Shizuma’s eyes for a moment. A flicker of resigned disappointment, as if something she’d thought was likely had been confirmed, but still hurt her nonetheless.

Casting her gaze down onto the dishevelled sheets, Shizuma admitted with casualness that was just a little too studied, “I think I’d better get some sleep. I have a colleague coming over in the morning.”

As Shizuma settled down on the mattress, her back to Miyuki, Miyuki said uncertainly, “Should I…”

“It’s ridiculously late, Miyuki. Stay here. You’ll never find a way to get home at this hour.”

After watching Shizuma for a few moments, Miyuki got up and took a trip to the bathroom, which she thankfully found easily. When she returned, she turned out the lights and got back into the bed, stretching out beside Shizuma.

Experimentally, she inched closer to Shizuma’s back and curled a hand around her waist. “Let me hold you,” Miyuki whispered. “Just for the rest of the night.”

At Shizuma’s nod, she cuddled closer, for some reason feeling as she often had back in school; wanting to comfort Shizuma but unable to find the right words, the right actions, she needed. She wasn’t even sure that anything was wrong. It was just that Shizuma seemed to have drawn herself away, her walls up again as if they’d never been down, the intimacy they’d shared closed off in some chapter not relevant to the rest of her life.

But for all Miyuki knew, that was normal. How these things were supposed to go.

She closed her eyes against another round of tears, successfully forcing them back this time. There were still so many questions she wanted to ask Shizuma, about her life, her hopes, her plans for the future. She wished Shizuma would turn towards her, that they might lie here talking until morning, finding a beginning not an ending as the sun rose.

One night. One night with Shizuma could never be enough, but it was all Miyuki was going to have.


	3. Chapter 3

Miyuki was awoken the next morning by Shizuma shaking her shoulder lightly.

“Miyuki, I’m afraid I have some work to do today. I’m sorry, but…”

“I know,” said Miyuki, sitting up and giving Shizuma what she hoped was a carefree smile. “It’s fine.”

She noticed Shizuma was already dressed, and the scent of coffee was wafting faintly through the half-open door. Apparently she’d already been up for some time. Miyuki didn’t normally sleep through disturbances like that, and she wondered if it was because of the…intensity of the pleasure she’d felt last night.

“Here,” said Shizuma, holding out a towel. “For the shower. Once you’re done, come and have a coffee before you go.”

Her hand lingered on Miyuki’s bare shoulder, too little time to be a caress, too long to merely be a polite gesture. With what might have been a sigh, she drew away. “I’ll leave you to get ready. Don’t feel you have to rush…Just…Whenever is fine.”

She crossed the room and closed the door, leaving Miyuki alone. Miyuki ran her fingers through her hair and forced herself to breathe deeply. After a moment, she got out of bed, collected her scattered clothes, and headed to the bathroom.

* * *

The murmur of voices led Miyuki into the sitting room downstairs once she was done. She felt terribly embarrassed to be showing up in front of whoever Shizuma’s guest might be, and considered just slipping out the front door. But if she did that, Shizuma would probably think last night hadn’t meant anything at all to her…

Although, wasn’t that the point of a one night stand? Something that wasn’t supposed to mean anything beyond the night in which it took place?

As Miyuki stood hesitating, she heard Shizuma raise her voice. “Miyuki, is that you? We’re in here.”

Well. She couldn’t leave now.

She forced another smile onto her face and entered the room.

There was a tumble of fabrics, clothing articles and design sketches all over the low, modern angular table in the centre of the room. Shizuma and Chikaru Minamoto, formerly of Lulim, were deep in discussion, heads close together.

Both looked up at Miyuki’s entrance. Chikaru didn’t express any surprise or embarrassment at seeing Miyuki, seeming to take her sudden appearance as a matter of course.

“Miyuki, it’s so good to see you again!” she exclaimed with her typical warmth and excitement. “Shizuma asked me over to give her some last minute opinions on these new designs – she has an important showing on Monday. Whoever would have thought this would be the kind of work she ended up doing?”

 “Yeah,” Miyuki agreed, Chikaru’s conversational enthusiasm putting her a little more at ease. “You were always the one who liked this kind of stuff in school, weren’t you?”

 “I guess so,” Chikaru agreed with a laugh. “I wouldn’t have the dedication to do it as a career though. My attention span is too short. I’m always looking for the next distraction.”

Miyuki poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down as Shizuma and Chikaru returned to their discussion. Everything in the room, the furnishings, the colour schemes, the decorations, it was all done in the latest style. So different to the Victorian opulence Miyuki knew Shizuma had grown up with. So different to the feel of the ‘cottage’ she’d kept near Miator, that was really a small estate in its own right.

The china floral coffee pot with its dainty cups and saucers were the only objects out of place, and Miyuki couldn’t help but wonder where the set had come from, and why Shizuma was using it.

“It was a gift from my mother,” Shizuma supplied, noting Miyuki’s focus on the coffee set. “I figured…” She shrugged. “That I might as well use it.”

“Hmm,” said Miyuki. “I guess that makes sense. No point in it going to waste.” After taking a sip of coffee from the tiny, delicate cup, she added, “I couldn’t help thinking how different this place is to the cottage you used to have near Miator, Shizuma. Do you ever go back there?”

Shizuma shook her head, her eyes opaque. “I sold it to Amane. She and Hikari needed somewhere they could be private together while Hikari was still finishing school. I didn’t need it anymore by then.”

Miyuki nodded. She wondered if Shizuma meant she hadn’t needed it because, by that time, she’d broken up with Nagisa.

Chikaru gazed at the coffee pot for a moment with an odd expression on her face, and then went back to examining a sheaf of what Miyuki assumed to be Shizuma’s concept designs for new outfits. It gave Miyuki some insight into what Shizuma had meant the night before about daring designs – most of these clothes would be considered far too un-feminine for the average woman to wear.

So was Shizuma doing well then, creasing such risky fashions? Miyuki wished she could ask, but it would probably come off as nosey and impolite.

It didn’t take long to finish the diminutive coffee. Shizuma offered Miyuki a top up, but Miyuki shook her head. “No thank you. I’ll leave you to get on with your work, Shizuma. It was nice to see you again, Chikaru.”

“Likewise,” Chikaru said. “Look me up some time, Miyuki. We can catch up!”

“Right, of course. I will.”

Shizuma saw Miyuki to the door. She hugged Miyuki, before she opened the door, not after, and whispered, “take care.”

“You too,” Miyuki replied. She smiled as she drew back, and, if there had been anything – anything in Shizuma’s manner to suggest she’d welcome Miyuki saying they stay in touch, Miyuki would have done it.

But Shizuma was clearly only waiting for Miyuki to leave. Not that she was rude about it, of course. Shizuma would never be rude. It was just that her mind was obviously elsewhere, and Miyuki was a happening already dismissed.

The door opened and Miyuki stepped through. It closed behind her. She stood for a moment slowly blinking in the pale morning sunshine and then stepped down the three stairs and onto the street.

 _God, what do I do now_?

Last night, everything had changed, and yet nothing had changed. Whole vistas Miyuki had never allowed herself to consider before were opening up for her, and she didn’t know whether that was wonderful or terrible or both. Could anything really happen here? Did she want it to? Was she mad to even be entertaining the idea?

She turned back to look at Shizuma’s terrace, half wishing she could run up the steps again and bang on her door, tell her…What?  
  
What indeed. Miyuki reminded herself that her existence was precarious enough already; that she’d end up unemployable in her chosen profession if she wasn’t careful. But none of it seemed to matter near as much as it should when she thought of Shizuma, thought of being near her, being able to touch her again.

Cursing under her breath, Miyuki hurried away, her heart in turmoil. On the underground, she stared at her reflection in the window all the way home, examining her own face as if it was that of a stranger.

* * *

When Shizuma returned to the sitting room, she picked up one of the empty coffee cups and turned it in her hand, her eyes unfocused, her expression bleak.

“It’s been a while since you brought someone home,” Chikaru offered into the silence.

“Yeah,” said Shizuma tonelessly.

“Didn’t go well?”

Shizuma shrugged. “Miyuki and I…We used to dance around each other at Miator. I kissed her once back then, but she pushed me away. I happened to run into her last night, and…One thing led to another. You know how it goes.”

She tossed the coffee cup in her hand a couple of times, then suddenly raised her arm and threw it furiously at the wall, smashing the delicate china into tiny pieces. It was quickly followed by a second cup, then the third, and next one of the saucers.

Chikaru wisely moved the coffee pot as Shizuma reached for it. “Shizuma, I really don’t care if you destroy this ugly thing, but at least let me pour the coffee out first. You do not want to deal with that stain on the wall or the carpet.”

Shizuma stared at Chikari for a moment, wild-eyed and breathing hard, before she gave an unhappy bark of laughter and dropped into a chair. “God I’m an idiot.”

“It’s usually a bad idea to try and have a one night stand with an old flame,” said Chikaru, patting Shizuma on the shoulder sympathetically. “Unless…You were hoping for something more and she wasn’t interested?”

Pained sorrow flicked across Shizuma’s features for a moment. “Miyuki has made it clear she’s not prepared to live her life honestly. I can’t be with someone like that. It would be impossible for both of us.”

“Hmm. Maybe I better had empty this coffee pot so you can throw it at the wall.”

With an annoyed sigh, Shizuma pushed back her hair. “Well, as happy as it would make me, it’s not like that will change anything. I’ll be okay. But you are right, Chikaru. I should have known better than to get involved.”

“Well, sometimes our hearts don’t want to listen to our brains, do they? At least I understand why you got that coffee service out, now. It’s perhaps the most unflattering gift your mother has given you yet.”

“Isn’t it?” said Shizuma, laughing in agreement while eyeing the offending pot and precariously surviving saucers. "Anyway, I feel better, now that I’ve had a tantrum. Let’s get back to work. You didn’t come here to listen to me complain about my love life.”

“Mmm.” Chikaru absently picked up one of Shizuma’s creations. “You’re planning for Kaname to wear this one? She’ll look stunning in it.”

“She will,” Shizuma agreed. “And you know – She wears everything so well, it actually sells. You have no idea, the number of irate husbands I’ve heard from, complaining about what their wives are wearing because of me.” She gave Chikari a mischievous smile. “Unfortunately, they don’t know their complaints only spur me on.”

Chikaru laughed. “Well then, let’s be sure this will be the show to make them the angriest they’ve ever been.”

Shizuma’s eyes flashed with amusement, and she launched into her work with renewed enthusiasm.

* * *

Miyuki lasted for two weeks before she broke. She didn’t seek Shizuma out again, because she wasn’t sure what kind of reception she’d get, and she couldn’t take the thought of having her hopes dashed completely, but she did go to see Momomi.

It hadn’t been difficult to find out where Momomi and Kaname lived. Despite the fact that they were seemingly in disgrace with both their families, once Miyuki tracked several relatives down and did a little prodding (posing as a concerned former school friend), it hadn’t taken her too long to find a secret sympathiser who knew where they were.

Trying to figure out a way to see Momomi without Kaname had been more challenging, but eventually Miyuki gathered that Kaname seemed to go to out to work by herself a couple of afternoons a week, while Momomi generally stayed in the flat or went out and did other things, so Miyuki waited for one of those afternoons and then took her chance.

The building didn’t have a doorman, or indeed any kind of security. Perhaps the outer doors were locked after a certain hour and only those residents with keys could enter. There wasn’t a lift either. Miyuki mounted several flights of stairs and found the appropriate door.

Drawing in a fortifying breath, Miyuki raised her hand and knocked.

She heard movement within the flat, and soon the door opened a crack, still on the chain. Momomi’s eye applied itself suspiciously to the narrow opening. “Ye—Wha? Miyuki? What are you doing here? How did you find out where we live? What do you want?”

“I—I made some inquiries, I’m afraid, to find out your address. Please forgive me. I just…I need someone to talk to, and I don’t have anyone else.”

“Why should that be my problem?”

“It’s about Shizuma,” Miyuki tried quickly, as Momomi began to close the door.

Momomi paused. Her eye regarded Miyuki balefully. “Don’t mess around with Shizuma. She doesn’t need someone like you in her life.”

“Then let me in. If I can’t talk to you, I won’t have any other option but to go and talk to her.”

Cursing under her breath, Momomi closed the door, and Miyuki heard the chain being released. A moment later, the door was flung wide open.

“Well come in then,” Momomi said, with no warmth whatsoever.

Miyuki thanked her and stepped into the flat.

“The place is a mess,” said Momomi carelessly as Miyuki navigated the cluttered space. “We had people over last night. I was just about to clean up.”

The compact studio was indeed in a bit of a state. The sad tattered remains of streamers were crushed on the floor or hanging brokenly off the walls; empty plates and glasses were strewn everywhere.

There was an unmade double bed in the corner, its sheets and pillows in tumbled disarray.

Noting where Miyuki’s gaze had fallen, Momomi frowned and stalked over to the small square table with its two chairs set up by the window.

“Sit down,” she said, pulling one of the chairs out and standing behind it, the words more like an order than a polite invitation.

“Umm…Thank you.” Hurriedly looking away from the bed, Miyuki crossed the narrow floorspace and took the proffered chair.

“I’ll make a fresh pot of tea.”

Momomi swept up the tea tray still sitting on the table and took it over to the tiny kitchenette.

She put the kettle on, filled up the sink, and began to wash the dishes. “So,” she said, half turning around, “why did you come here, Miyuki? Please keep in mind I don’t have all afternoon, so make it quick.”

Looking around the rumpled apartment, the first subject that came into Miyuki’s head was entirely different from the one she’d come to discuss. “It seems like Kaname doesn’t do much on the domestic front, then? Is that your responsibility?”

The dishes in the sink clattered, and Momomi paused to stare at Miyuki with a livid expression. “Not that it’s any of your business, but of course Kaname does her share of chores. Last night was more of a professional get together than just friends. Those things can get exhausting, more so for her than for me. And she did offer to help clean up this morning, but, as it happened, we ended up doing other, much more pleasant, activities.”

“Oh. Uhh…Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. I just…Well, I suppose my experiences of living with someone were rather different. Would you like me to dry those?”

The washed tea things were rapidly appearing on the draining board.

“No. Stay where you are. And explain to me what you’re doing here before I decide to toss you out.”

Momomi was now drying the dishes. She threw a scoop of tea into the tea pot, poured in the freshly boiled water, put the lid on, and then arranged everything and brought it over to the table.

“Thank you,” said Miyuki, smiling up at her. “I really do appreciate you taking the time to see me. I know it’s an imposition.”

“Humph.” It was only slight, but Miyuki thought Momomi’s posture loosened just a bit. “I’ll have a break once the tea is ready. But right now I do need to get on with clearing up here.”

“Of course. Please don’t let me get in the way. The thing is,” Miyuki continued, as Momomi began to collect up the various dishes lying around the studio, “that night at the bar, I ended up…Asking Shizuma to take me home. And she did. And we, well…”

“You slept together,” said Momomi, depositing a fresh pile of dishes into the sink, still filled with the washing up water from the tea things. “I know. Shizuma told us.”

Miyuki flushed. For some reason, it hadn’t occurred to her that Shizuma might have already mentioned their rendezvous.

And on some level, she knew that by _for some reason_ what she really meant was, it hadn’t occurred to her because in the world as she’d known it until very recently, having people to whom one could speak about that kind of thing was impossible.

“I believe the tea is ready,” said Miyuki, to give herself time to regroup.

Momomi finished picking up the last of the dishes and took them over to the sink. “All right. I’ll sit for a moment. You can pour.”

She threw herself into the chair opposite Miyuki and frowned at her. “So you and Shizuma slept together. So what? Why does that prompt a special visit?”

Miyuki concentrated on pouring the tea for a moment. As the beverages steamed, she replied, “It was meant to be a one time thing. But I want it to be more. Do you think there is any chance that Shizuma would—”

“Forget about Shizuma,” said Momomi bluntly. “You’re not good enough for her.”

“How do you get to be the one to decide that?” Miyuki demanded, deeply stung by Momomi’s offhand dismissal.

With a bitter laugh, Momomi narrowed her eyes. “I’m not the one who decided it. _You_ are, by your own actions.” Putting down her teacup with a clatter, she leaned back in her seat and regarded Miyuki with distaste. “Listen Miyuki, I’m going to tell you some things. They’re not things that you’re going to want to hear, but you should listen if you want to actually understand what’s going on here.

“The truth is, you’re a coward. You’re exactly the same as me, as Kaname, as Shizuma, as Hikari, as Amane, as Nagisa, as Tamao, but the difference is, you won’t be honest about it. Not with yourself and not with anyone else. You come here, expecting support and sympathy from me, when I’ve fought exactly the same battles as you, and I’ve done it while people like _you_ look on and do nothing, say nothing, to help me. You’re the type of person who would happily sacrifice someone like me if it meant saving your own skin.

“For heaven’s sake, how many years did it take you to even muster up the tiniest amount of courage to leave the marriage you allowed your family to push you into? And even then, what do you do? You choose to pursue a career that you _know_ will preclude you from ever openly loving a woman, or being with a woman. All you did was leave one kind of cage for another. Why do you think I would want that for Shizuma, when she’s my friend? She deserves better than someone who is going to try and hide her and be ashamed of her. What sort of life do you realistically think you could have with her? Well?”

Momomi’s tone demanded an answer that Miyuki didn’t have.

Shaking her head in confusion, Miyuki tried to explain, tried to impress on Momomi that feeling she’d had of not deserving more than the barest minimum she needed in order to get by. “When I was leaving my marriage, all I was thinking about was escape. I thought it would be enough, just to be able to live my life independent of anyone else. It wasn’t until quite some time afterwards that I began to think about…About how much more I might be able to have. But I also have to be able to earn a living somehow, Momomi. Surely you can understand that? It’s not like there are many professions out there that are terribly friendly to those who are…Different.”

Momomi snorted. “You know, Kaname and I, we aren’t from rich families like a lot of the other girls who attended the schools on Astraea Hill. The only reason our parents sent us there was because they hoped we’d make friends with girls who had rich brothers who’d marry us. From the creepy stalkerish behaviour you no doubt had to indulge in to even find out where Kaname and I lived, I’m sure you’ve learned our families are less than happy with us for refusing to go along with their plans.

“When Kaname and I graduated from Spica, it was almost impossible for us to find any kind of work for ourselves. We both ended up working as waitresses – terrible hours, terrible pay, dealing with unsavoury customers – I guess you married your rich fancy man to avoid those sorts of indignities, hey? Too mortifying for a gentle lady of Miator.

“Anyway, after a while Kaname got fired – the customers kept saying she was too ‘manly’, whatever that means, and then we were trying to scrape by just on what I was earning. It got to the point where we so behind on rent, we were in danger of getting thrown out of this place, as crappy as it is.

“Do you know happened then? Of course you don’t, you were too busy selling your soul and your body to make your family happy, so I’ll tell you. Amane, of all people, heard of our plight, and said that Kaname and I were welcome to go and stay with her and Hikari on the estate until things improved for us. Amane and Kaname _hate_ each other, and she was still prepared to do that for us. Kaname was even willing to accept the offer for my sake. Not that she said it was for my sake, obviously, but I know nothing else would have induced her to accept help from Amane. If it was just Kaname alone, she’d rather be out on the streets. But she wasn’t prepared to let me be out on the streets with her.

“In the end, though, we didn’t have to go and live with Amane and Hikari. Shizuma heard about our situation from Amane, and she offered Kaname the modelling job. And after that, things began to get a lot better for us.”

Momomi shot Miyuki a sharp look. “You see, Miyuki, despite our differences, we all understand that the rest of the world either hates us, or wishes we didn’t exist. We know that if we don’t have each other’s backs, no one will. And someone like you…We’ve met you a hundred times over. You won’t stand up for yourself, and you can’t be trusted to stand up for anyone else either. You’re a bad investment, who will bring nothing but grief. You’re not the only one who’s had to figure out how to negotiate this situation in which all of us find ourselves. Even Amane has had to give up her horseriding career for the better part of a year so she can be with Hikari. The difference between you and the rest of us, is that we find ways to deal with our struggles, and you run away from them.”

She pushed her chair back and got to her feet, hands on the table, staring Miyuki down. “And that’s everything I have to say. Tea break’s over. I think you understand now why you should leave all of us alone. Please go now.”

A short time later, Miyuki once again found herself staring at the wrong side of a closed door. Momomi wasn’t going to be any further help.

 


	4. Chapter 4

There was a telephone in the hall of Miyuki’s boarding house. Miyuki hadn’t used it once since she’d moved here. So it perhaps wasn’t surprising that Miyuki’s landlady paused in curiosity when she saw Miyuki loitering by the phone one afternoon, having come home from her studies about an hour earlier than she normally did.

“Oh, going to call your family Miyuki? I hope everything is well?”

“Yes, everything is fine,” said Miyuki, smiling and fidgeting nervously. “It’s not my parents I’m calling, just an old friend. I’ll pay for the charges, of course.”

“A friend? Ah, I’m glad. You’re always so serious, Miyuki. And you keep to yourself so much. You should try to enjoy life while you’re still young.”

Miyuki nodded, still smiling, and refrained from mentioning she already felt like she’d lived a hundred years. Her shoulders were tense as she picked up the phone and rung up the number. From the corner of her eye, she made sure the landlady continued on to the kitchen and didn’t stay to eavesdrop.

“Hello?” said a voice on the other end of the line.

“Hello. T-Tamao?” Miyuki felt her cheeks heat in embarrassment. They’d never really talked again after that awkward night years ago at Miator. “This is Miyuki. I’m sorry to call out of the blue like this—”

“Miyuki?” Tamao’s voice had risen with excitement. “I’d heard rumours you were back! Hey, is it true you divorced your husband?”

“Well, yes. That’s sort of why I’m calling. I know that things between us got…A little awkward…But…I valued your friendship, Tamao. I’m sorry we lost that. If you don’t think too terribly of me, I was hoping…We might be able to try again. At being friends I mean. Maybe if you’re ever in the city we could have tea?”

There was now an ache between Miyuki’s shoulder blades she was holding herself so stiffly.

“That sounds nice,” said Tamao on the other end of the line, “but I don’t get into the city much.”

“Of-of course,” said Miyuki, stumbling over the words in her haste to think of a way to end her obviously unwanted intrusion into Tamao’s life. “I’m sorry to have bothered you. Please—”

“Ah, Miyuki, wait! I didn’t mean it like that,” she heard Tamao saying hurriedly. “I really just…Don’t visit the city much. It’s not that I don’t want to see you. I’d like that very much. There’s a holiday coming up isn’t there? A long weekend? Why don’t you come down to visit Nagisa and I?”

“What? Are you sure that would be all right?”

“I’ll check with Nagisa first, but I can’t imagine she’d have any objections. I’ll send you a letter with all the details. Would that be all right?”

“Yes, that would be…Very agreeable. Shall I give you my address?”

“Mmm. I have pen and paper here.”

A short time later, Miyuki placed the phone back in its cradle. She rubbed her shoulders. The tension had left her sore. There was still some time before the boarding hall dinner would be ready, so she went back upstairs to her room and tried to study.

The words in her textbook soon blurred in front of her eyes, and she began to cry; quiet sobs of both loneliness and relief. All this time, she’d been thinking Tomao probably hated her, that there would be no retrieving the friendship they’d once shared.

But looking back, maybe Tamao had never given Miyuki any reason to think that. Miyuki was the one who’d walked away, who’d cut ties, who’d imposed solitude on herself in an effort to habituate to her new life.

As short as the conversation with Tamao had been, it made Miyuki realise how desperate she was for a friend, how sick of struggling alone with her demons. She couldn’t keep on like this. She had to find a way forward, even if she didn’t know how.

The open books on her desk admonished her for her negligence, but for once Miyuki didn’t care. She turned away and looked out of her grimy window onto the twilit street. All the trees were starting to burst into leaf with the springtime. People were hurrying home, lights were coming on in the houses. Birds sung an evening chorus as they settled into their nests. Miyuki watched all that, and she thought of Shizuma.

* * *

A surly sky oversaw Miyuki’s departure to the countryside when the long weekend came. The train was crowded with holiday goers like herself, and unlike times past, Miyuki could no longer afford the indulgence of a first class ticket.

She was certainly glad when the passengers began to thin as the train passed through some of the more popular stops. Her destination was too far for the day trippers. Rain fitfully threw itself against the windows now and then, but never properly settled in.

Miyuki was the only passenger to alight at the small country station closest to where Tamao and Nagisa lived. Tamao was waiting for her on the platform, excitement evident in her wide grin and quick, impatient movements.

“Miyuki!” Heedless of the goggling shock of the elderly porter who’d emerged to take Miyuki’s suitcase, Tamao threw herself into Miyuki’s arms, enveloping her in a warm hug. After a long moment she drew back, still holding Miyuki’s hands in her own.

“It’s so good to see you after all this time! Come on, I’ve got the car waiting. You can tell me everything on the drive.” She swept up Miyuki’s suitcase, deftly taking it from the struggling porter. “Don’t worry, Sato-san, I’ll handle this.”

He bowed with a certain amount of relief and disappeared back into the small station building.

Tamao led Miyuki to a rather old and beat-up car, the only one at the station. “Doesn’t really have a proper boot, so your suitcase will need to go in the back,” she explained as she slung the case in, none too gently. “Well then.” She gave Miyuki another wide smile. “Shall we get going? Though I must warn you…Country roads, you know…The ride might be a bit bumpy.”

“I don’t mind.” Miyuki slid into the passenger seat as Tamao took the wheel. “I’m just…Glad you invited me.”

The engine coughed a few times before reluctantly roaring into life. As they took off smoothly, Tamao glanced at Miyuki’s hands, tightly curled around each other in her lap. Miyuki hurriedly tried to appear more relaxed.

This was a big thing for her, reaching out to someone, being honest, and while Tamao could hardly have received her more warmly, she was also different from how Miyuki remembered. It was obvious she’d grown since their days at Miator. There was a confidence to her she’d never had at school. Tamao had always been intelligent, but back at Miator, she’d been full of awkwardness and self-doubt, and that led to her making some very ill-judged decisions. The night with Miyuki probably amongst them.

“The truth is,” Miyuki said, shifting her eyes to the rolling scenery, “Well, this might not come as the biggest shock to you, given what happened between us back at school, but I left my husband because I could no longer pretend to myself that I wasn’t attracted to women.”

She risked a glance back towards her companion. Irrelevantly, she thought how much better Tamao’s hair looked now, cut into a sleek modern bob, no longer restrained in the lace-tied bun that gave her the air of sixteen going on sixty. Her clothes were stylish but sensible and well fitted for the countryside.

Tamao’s returning glance was shaded with what might have been a sudden worry, some of her exuberance vanishing. “I guessed you might be going through something like that,” she admitted. Her gaze went back to the road. “Shizuma mentioned a few things to Amane, who mentioned them to us. We’re all quite good friends these days, Shizuma, Amane, Hikari, Nagisa and I. It’s probably a bit strange, given the circumstances. I don’t know if you know this already but Nagisa and I…Sort of had an affair behind Shizuma’s back, after Shizuma graduated but when Nagisa and I were both still at Miator. That’s how Nagisa and I got together. You’d think Shizuma would hate us both, wouldn’t you? Or at least me. But she doesn’t. When it all came out, she kind of just…Gave us her blessing and even suggested Amane and Hikari would help us if we ever needed it. That’s partly why we ended up moving here.”

Tamao gave Miyuki a smile, part happiness, part apology. “I really love Nagisa,” she explained softly. “She was always the one I was in love with. I just…Had no idea how to go about wooing her for the longest time. Now that we’re together, I’m happy. I have the life I want with her.”

Miyuki held up a hand hurriedly as it dawned on her what was worrying Tamao. “No, no, you don’t understand, I haven’t come here with any notion of disrupting your life. I know you and Nagisa are together. You were always in love with her; I was aware of that. I meant what I said when we spoke on the phone. I want to renew our friendship. I…It’s been a little overwhelming, leaving everything of my old life behind. It’s been…Lonely.”

The car, which had been twisting and turning down narrow roads, turned into an even narrower and more rutted laneway, lined with trees on either side. Her momentary awkwardness banished, Tamao said, “friendship I can do. I’d like for us to be friends again. I’m sorry you’ve been having a rotten time. It does get easier, once you get used to it.” She leaned forward in the driver’s seat. “There it is,” she said proudly. “Home.”

Looking ahead, Miyuki saw a small, charming cottage beset with rambling gardens, a field to one side and a small orchard of cherry trees in blossom spreading behind. As she watched, the front door opened and Nagisa emerged, waving enthusiastically.

Tamao honked the horn in greeting. As they pulled up in front of the cottage, Nagisa was already opening Miyuki’s door, greeting her with almost as much warmth as Tamao and lamenting the changeable weather. “Miyuki, I’m glad you could make it! Sorry the weather isn’t better. Apparently it might storm tonight.”

“Oh, please don’t worry about that,” said Miyuki hurriedly. “I’m just thankful to be here. I hope I haven’t put you to too much trouble, turning up like this.”

Nagisa shook her head while Tamao once again insisted on carrying Miyuki’s suitcase. “Not at all. It’s lovely to have guests for a change. We don’t get many. Come in, come in.”

Chestnut bangs still framed Nagisa’s face, but instead of a schoolgirl ponytail her hair was mostly loose, with a pearl comb fetchingly pinned at the back holding select strands out of the way. Her clothes, whilst practical like Tamao’s, were more striking and less muted. She was wearing a bright red pullover (it was a colour few could wear yet Nagisa managed it admirably; Miyuki was reminded of the time she’d played Carmen in that long ago production at Miator, she’d looked good in red on that occasion as well) and a pair of white slacks that looked like they were probably from one of Shizuma’s lines.

Inside, the cottage had undergone little modernisation, but there was an atmosphere of ease and comfort and happiness that Miyuki could not attribute to any one particular thing, and which she yet felt emanating from every crooked corner and ancient exposed wooden beam.

She was shown upstairs to a small guest room equipped with an old fashioned ewer and basin. The bathroom, Tamao explained, was downstairs, so they kept these in the bedrooms to make it easier to quickly freshen up. Miyuki nodded in understanding and assured them it wouldn’t be a problem.

There was no dining room in the cottage, but the kitchen was large enough to accommodate a table for six. It looked as if it was laden with enough food for half a dozen at well when Miyuki followed the voices of her hosts and found them putting the finishing touches on the feast.

“We might have got a bit carried away,” Tamao laughed, seeing Miyuki’s expression. “Not to worry if we don’t get through it all; there’s always tonight and tomorrow.”

“Everything looks delicious,” said Miyuki, sitting down. “You shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble.”

Tamao shrugged. “Well, like Nagisa said, we don’t get too many guests. This is an exciting occasion for us as well.”

As the food was served out, Miyuki wondered whether the lack of guests was due to Tamao and Nagisa’s families not approving of their relationship, but she didn’t ask. To Nagisa and Tamao’s inquiries about her own life she answered truthfully; that she had been unhappy in her marriage, that she’d known all along she wanted women, that she’d divorced her husband because she couldn’t keep pretending anymore. She admitted to running into Shizuma and Kaname and Momomi but left out the night she’d spent in Shizuma’s bed. She was vague about her plans for the future because the only plan she’d made for herself would, she was perfectly aware, preclude her from ever being able to acknowledge her feelings for Shizuma or any other woman for that matter.

Her choice of vocation was beginning to seem more and more foolish, simply out of one cage and into another, as Momomi had said, but she was still at a loss as to what else she could do. However, Miyuki didn’t share these inner turmoils with her hosts, instead turning the conversation to Tamao and Nagisa and their life here in the country.

As Shizuma had said that night in the lesbian bar, Tamao had indeed gone into local politics. She’d even been successfully elected as the local member for the area, despite a woman never even having run before. Confirming Shizuma’s speculation in the bar, Tamao admitted wryly that their closeness to the Ootori family was no doubt what had helped her more than the platform she’d run on. But for all that, she was making a success of the job by her own merits. Miyuki was impressed to hear about the extent of her plans and initiatives, and Tamao’s enthusiasm certainly wasn’t feigned.

Meanwhile, as it turned out, Nagisa kept busy running the local kindergarten. Miyuki almost choked on her glass of water when she heard that. “How…” she asked, unable to get any further.

“As with Tamao, it’s all because of Amane and Hikari and their parents, really,” Nagisa admitted. “They’re all regarded as royalty around here. Because they support us, so does everyone else. They just…Overlook the relationship Tamao and I have.”

“People just find ways to rationalise it,” Tamo agreed, nodding sagely. “They say, oh, we’re not the same as all the others out there, we’re different, because the Ootori’s would never allow us under their roof otherwise etcetera. Or Nagisa and I are just close friends, exactly like sisters, we’ve just misunderstood our own feelings because we’re not like all those other awful perverts, how could we be? I mean, it’s very frustrating at times, but, all things considered we have it better compared to most. We’re well aware of that.”

“I have been wondering,” Miyuki admitted, “About Amane and Hikari, how the locals are accepting all of that. Especially with Amane being pregnant and…Well, unmarried by standard definitions, I suppose you might say. How are the family even planning to make the child into the heir? Can they do that?”

“The locals accept Amane and Hikari because they genuinely like both of them, but also because Amane’s parents have made it very clear they accept the relationship and that they expect others to do so as well. Similar to the situation with Nagisa and I. And the baby thing – That did cause a stir, but the Ootori’s have always been known for going their own way on things, so I suppose the populace were less shocked than they might have been.

“I don’t know if you know this, but Amane’s mother is actually the one with Ootori blood, not Amane’s father. Her mother kept the Ootori name when she married. In fact, Amane’s mother wasn’t supposed to inherit at all originally. She had an older brother who was the heir, but he died in an accident years ago when they were both still at school. Rather than have the estate pass into the hands of a distant relative, Amane’s mother’s parents, or Amane’s grandparents I should say really, though they’re both dead now anyway, decided to fix things so that Amane’s mother could inherit. And the changes they made mean that Amane’s mother can now leave the estate as she wishes, and so too will Amane be able to do in time.”

Miyuki digested this piece of surprising family history while finishing off a rather delicious slice of strawberry cheesecake. “I had no idea about any of that,” she admitted. “But then…Amane always kept to herself so much. I always wondered how she went as the Etoile.”

“If she’d been by herself she would have been terrible,” said Nagisa, “but doing it with Hikari…The two of them together were quite something to behold. The collective swooning probably surpassed even that which used to happen in Shizuma’s day.”

“I was so annoyed at Shizuma,” Miyuki recalled. “Undoing all my hard work by whisking you away on the eve of the elections. Funny how those things mattered so much back then.”

Nagisa made a face. “I am sorry about that. I was perfectly dreadful. But…When Shizuma called me…” She gave an apologetic smile. “I think you were the only one, Miyuki, who could resist Shizuma when she unleashed her full attractions.”

Miyuki smiled back awkwardly and didn’t say anything. Again her thoughts went back to that time at Miator when Shizuma had demanded to know if she knew what it was to love someone. A thousand times in her fantasies Miyuki had spoken the truth to Shizuma in that moment, a thousand times she’d kissed Shizuma back instead of pushing her away. What might her life look like now, if she’d acted on her desires in that moment? It was too late to know.

Tamao cleared her throat. “Now that we’ve finished lunch…I have a proposal for the afternoon. Or an invitation, rather. Amane said she’d like to see you Miyuki. Well, she invited all of us, but I suspect it’s you she mostly wants to see. I got the impression there was something she wanted to discuss with you.”  

“With me?” said Miyuki, genuinely perplexed. “But why? I barely know her.”

“She does know Shizuma quite well,” Tamao pointed out, somewhat delicately. “Of course we don’t have to go if you’d rather not. Plenty of other things to do.”

How much had Shizuma told them? Did they all know everything? From Nagisa’s comments, it would seem not, unless Nagisa was trying to be polite by pretending not to know. But why should Amane get involved? Was Miyuki to be subjected to another lecture on her shortcomings, similar to the one she’d received from Momomi?

Whatever the reason, if the summons was to do with Shizuma, there was only one answer Miyuki could give.

“Of course I should be delighted to see Amane,” she said. “Just one question – What should I wear?”


	5. Chapter 5

Apparently Miyuki’s most casual clothes were fine for visiting the foremost family in the district. Tamao assured her that Amane and Hikari were most likely to be outdoors with their horses and that any less robust clothes Miyuki might be considering would only be at risk from the environment anyway.

It was a short car ride to Amane’s estate. Along the way they passed close by a river that Tamao said regularly flooded the road when it rained; most of the drive was spent on the drainage improvement plans she eventually hoped to implement.

At the border of the estate, they passed through a pair of imposed wrought iron gates that stood open, and then drove through elegant, well kept grounds before reaching the Ootori house itself. Despite its imposing size, there was something inviting about it; Miyuki could easily imagine Amane and Hikari being happy here.

Tamao left the battered car in the care of a young male hand who stashed it away in a garage as carefully as if it had been a valuable horse. She didn’t take Miyuki into the house, but led her around the perimeter of the building, and then through a series of gardens, until they reached a complex of fields some distance from the house.

As she’d said would be the case, Amane and Hikari were here; Hikari mounted atop an elegant chestnut mare she was steadily jumping around a course while Amane called tips and encouragement from the sidelines.

Catching sight of her guests, Amane nodded a greeting and told Hikari to keep practicing, that she’d still be watching and would give the rest of her feedback later. Seeing the newcomers too, Hikari smiled and waved in their general direction as she thundered past. Nagisa seemed to take the gesture as intended for herself and eagerly waved back, yelling that she and Tamao would talk to her later.

Without breaking her rhythm in the slightest, Hikari called back that she’d love that and sent the mare sailing over a brush fence.

Amane’s face was alight watching her, and the smile still lingered on her lips as she greeted Miyuki. “Miyuki, thank you for taking the time to see me. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”

“I guess it has,” said Miyuki. “You’re, um,” she coloured as she tried to think about how to mention Amane’s pregnancy without seeming rude. “You seem like you’re doing well. Congratulations. On everything.”

Amane looked amused for a moment. “You don’t have to avoid the subject. I have noticed I’m pregnant.” Her brows drew together. “Truthfully, I probably wouldn’t have chosen to do this if my parents didn’t insist. I mean, I want to raise children with Hikari, I have no issue with that, but…The actual physical carrying and having part is rather awkward. No horses for a year! I would have gone mad if I couldn’t have taught Hikari and watched her ride in my stead.”

The speech surprised Miyuki, both because it was probably more words than she’d heard Amane use than in their entire prior acquaintance, and because of how freely she shared her feelings. Amane had been so detached as a schoolgirl; always avoiding, always wanting to be left alone. From listening to the frustrations of the Spica School President at the time, Miyuki got the impression it wasn’t simply that Amane was shy, but that she shunned responsibility and decisions to an almost pathological degree. Had her own awareness of her sexuality had anything to do with that? Certainly when she’d declared her love for Hikari and run in the Etoile elections that seemed to mark the beginning of a change, but Miyuki hadn’t been around long enough to see much of it.

Tamao apologetically interjected into the conversation before Miyuki could answer Amane. “Amane, sorry to interrupt, but Nagisa and I are going to go up to the house and say hello to your parents. Bring Miyuki up to us later on, okay?”

“Mmm, I will,” Amane promised.

Well, that just proved there was a different dynamic operating here to any the old Amane would have involved herself in. Tamao and Nagisa were tactually removing themselves because they knew they weren’t wanted, and they respected Amane’s authority enough to self-select out without her even having to tell them.

Who was this new Amane Miyuki was about to meet? She was too curious to be angry over how transparently she was being abandoned. After all, she wasn’t stupid. She’d had a fair inkling the meeting would go down like this, given that Amane had sent her a summons like the local lord she was.

After the others left, Amane seemed in no hurry to get started on whatever wisdom she wished to impart. She continued to watch Hikari sailing over the jumps on the shining chestnut mare, and Miyuki joined her in that activity happily enough. Miyuki wasn’t much of a rider, but she knew enough to know that Hikari had the beginnings of a great horsewoman. Watching her was a pleasure. She and Amane must have trained hard together to get this far.

“I’m sorry if it’s odd to call you here like this,” Amane said eventually. Miyuki got the impression that, despite deliberately exercising her power to get Miyuki here, Amane still wasn’t quite easy in fulfilling whatever objective she had decided upon.

“It certainly is odd,” Miyuki agreed. “But I’m not sorry to renew our acquaintance, Amane. I’d just like to know why. Is it because of Shizuma? Did she ask you to talk to me about something?”

Colour splashed across Amane’s cheeks, and she shook her head, suddenly closer to the shy school girl Miyuki remembered. “No. But I think it’s my responsibility to—”

“Amane—”

Hikari chose this moment to pull up in front of them. Perhaps she’d been listening in, and knew the time had come for her to absent herself as Tamao and Nagisa had done. “That’s the third clear round. I think I’ll take her for a cool down in the Beech Wood. That would be okay, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes, it’s a good idea,” said Amane. “Just make sure you keep her paying attention; she knows she has a good feed waiting for her – She’ll probably try and misbehave to get you to take her home. We haven’t worked that habit out of her yet.”

“I won’t let her bully me,” Hikari promised. She dismounted and began to open the gate, but Amane stepped forward to take over the task, ushering Hikari through.

“Thank you,” said Hikari, giving Amane a lover’s smile, intended for her alone. While keeping a firm hold of her horse’s reigns with one gloved hand, Hikari reached up to Amane with the other, standing on her tip-toes so she could kiss her on the cheek.

Amane accepted the gesture willingly, her fingers briefly curling around Hikari’s waist.

Shifting her gaze to Miyuki, Hikari added, “I’m really looking forward to catching up later on, Miyuki. Sorry we haven’t given you a proper welcome. _I_ would have, but Amane…”

“All right, all right,” said Amane hurriedly, shutting the gate. “Do you need me to give you a boost?”

With a sigh, Hikari nodded. “If only I had your height it would be different.”

Amane cupped her hands to create a foothold for Hikari, lifting her left leg and giving her the momentum to swing her right leg over the mare’s back. Once re-mounted, Hikari set off at a smart trot, posting as if she’d been doing it all her life. Miyuki didn’t miss the wistfulness on Amane’s face that suggested she wished she was riding off too, but the expression disappeared as she shook herself and squared her shoulders.

Indicating a couple of simple wooden benches not far away, set under an oak tree and overlooking the fields, Amane said to Miyuki, “Would you mind terribly if we sat down? It’s…Rather difficult being on my feet all the time like this.”

“It’s quite all right with me.”

After they’d sat down, one on each bench, Amane propped her arms behind her and leaned back, tilting her head up to study the latticework of young green leaves above them. It rather seemed like she was having to work herself up all over again to breach the subject on her mind.

Miyuki looked up too, noting that the weather seemed to be turning towards the worse again. Hadn’t Nagisa said the storm wasn’t due till tonight? There was a bank of ominous clouds beginning to gather that looked like they would hit in half an hour at most, and in the back of her mind Miyuki thought of the road next to the river that was prone to flooding.

“Shizuma didn’t ask me to speak to you,” Amane finally began, eyes still turned towards the sky. “In fact, she was at great pains to point out to me that you and she had only hooked up for one night; that it didn’t mean anything; that it wasn’t going to happen again. I hope all of that is true—”

“What do you mean you hope it’s true?” demanded Miyuki, cut deeply enough that she didn’t do a good job of hiding it.

Startled by the outburst, Amane disregarded the leaves to give Miyuki a wary look. Miyuki stared her down, colour high. “I—I have feelings for Shizuma. Why shouldn’t I? Why is it okay for you and Hikari and Tamao and Nagisa, but not for me? Well?”

Amane raised her eyebrows, and, to Miyuki’s confusion, asked a question that seemed totally unrelated. “Did Shizuma ever tell you that she sold her old estate to me? The one near Miator?”

“Yes, she told me.” Miyuki’s answer was short, because she didn’t want to let on she didn’t understand the significance of that sale. The estate had been both cursed and holy ground to Shizuma; every room in the house, every path in the grounds, haunted by Kaori’s presence. The fact that she’d sold it clearly meant something, even if Miyuki didn’t know what that something was.

“She offered it to me not long after she graduated.” There was a pause in which Amane looked at Miyuki, as if trying to assess her level of knowledge. Miyuki remained stony-faced. With a shrug, Amane continued. “She told me she didn’t want to hold onto it anymore. That she needed to move on from the memories it held. She said she knew better than anyone what Hikari and I were in for as Etoiles, and that it would be much easier for us if we had somewhere private we could go when we had to get away. And she was right about that. Merciful Virgin, I think I would have lost my mind during that year without Shizuma’s retreat, and if anything it became even more valuable once I’d graduated but Hikari was still at school…”

Seeing the blankness in Miyuki’s expression, Amane shook herself and apologised. “Sorry, that’s not what we’re talking about.” She drew a breath. “Obviously, Shizuma’s reasons for selling weren’t completely altruistic. She needed money. Shizuma’s family were…Not happy about her post-graduation choices, to say the least. So Shizuma used the income from the sale of the estate to get her business started. It freed her from her family’s control, and it gave her the hope of being able to support Nagisa once she left school.

“Taking that approach was quite clever of Shizuma. She told her family bluntly they had the option of nominally accepting her decisions, and continuing to have a relationship with her, or losing her altogether. They chose the former. Though the acceptance – Tolerance really – Is mostly fake, which Shizuma knows. Based more on wanting to avoid the scandal of disowning their daughter than anything else. In practice, Shizuma mostly doesn’t see her family anymore. She made that sacrifice, to have the life she wants.”

Noticing that Miyuki was about to speak, Amane held up a hand. “Not yet, Miyuki. There’s still more you need to understand.” She leaned forward, elbows on her knees, hands dangling carelessly, as she continued to recall. “It was around the time of those events – after Shizuma’s graduation when she was battling with her family – that she and I started to become good friends. Tamao, Nagisa and Hikari were already close and spent a lot of time together; I went along because Hikari was there; and Shizuma was coming back quite a bit to see Nagisa.

“I was already in my final year, and I knew that once I graduated I’d have to start thinking about my future with Hikari, the way Shizuma was thinking about Nagisa. We were both aware of…The magnitude of what we’d decided to do. And yet, my family were so supportive of me, while hers…And Shizuma never pitied herself, you know? She wouldn’t let me pity her either.”

Miyuki was staring at her hands, watching them clench and unclench in her lap as she heard of Shizuma’s struggles. When she’d left Nagisa in Shizuma’s care, what would happen in the future wasn’t something she’d considered much. It had been all about…What had it been about? Making sure that Shizuma wasn’t alone, once Miyuki could no longer be there for her. That was the reason she’d done all of it, from Kaori to Nagisa and every girl in between.

Her heart twisted unpleasantly to think of the difficult choices Shizuma had been faced with, and yet, selfishly, what hurt Miyuki most was hearing how tirelessly Shizuma had planned for her future with Nagisa. “It sounds like Shizuma really did love Nagisa,” Miyuki whispered, the pain in her own voice startling her.

Amane tilted her head, and made a non-committal noise. Later on, Miyuki was to realise that Amane had come close to deciding not to continue at this point, that she’d been seriously considering deliberately leaving Miyuki with a misconception. She always wondered what made Amane decide not to lie – her own character that abhorred falsehoods, or something else.

One of Amane’s fingers tapped against her knee several times. “Actually—I think Shizuma realised fairly early on that she _wasn’t_ in love with Nagisa. I can remember my feelings for Hikari at the time; I would get so happy over the smallest things – Just thinking about seeing Hikari was enough to make me prickle all over, my heart would start pounding if she so much as smiled at me – I was so impatient for school to be over so that we could finally start our life together. Yet when I tried to ask Shizuma about what she hoped for with Nagisa…It was obvious she felt a sense of responsibility towards her, but I never got the sense she was excited for what was to come.”

Miyuki’s relief made her sharp. “A sense of responsibility from Shizuma? She certainly must have changed after she left school. Even getting her to do the bare minimum as the Etoile was a nightmare for me.”

“I don’t think you give Shizuma enough credit, Miyuki. She was well aware of the seriousness of what she’d done, of how bad the consequences could be for Nagisa. It was one thing for Shizuma to play the great seductress with all those silly girls who’d throw her over as soon as they grew up, but quite another to declare her intention to have a serious relationship with another girl, a relationship that transcended graduation and continued beyond it. Nagisa’s willingness to participate in that easily could have ruined her. Shizuma knew if she wasn’t prepared to follow through on her promises, then Nagisa probably wouldn’t be okay. She certainly wasn’t poor, but she didn’t have Shizuma’s level of wealth and social standing to protect her. Hikari would have faced the same problems, if I’d abandoned her.”

“Okay, but…You’re a generally thoughtful person, Amane, who doesn’t run headlong into things. I doubt you ever would have touched Hikari unless you knew you wanted to be committed to her. Shizuma isn’t like that. She used to engage in every kind of irresponsibility imaginable. It just sounds like by the time she got with Nagisa, the world of adult responsibility finally caught up with her, and she was subjected to a reckoning of sorts. Nagisa or no Nagisa, the same thing would have happened, surely?” 

“That might be true,” Amane allowed. “However, that still…It isn’t the point, Miyuki.”

“Then what _is_ the point?” Miyuki was a little exasperated. Part of her was greedily taking in everything she was learning from Amane, wanting to know all those things she had missed in Shizuma’s life the last few years. But why was Amane telling her all this? It wasn’t because she wanted to facilitate anything between Miyuki and Shizuma. She’s already said she didn’t want anything further to happen between them. When was she going to get to her reasoning for that?

“There’s no way I can get to it without just telling the story. The rest of it.”

“Then do continue.”

They both cast a wary glance towards the sky as a roll of thunder added its opinion to the increasingly tense conversation. The storm was racing closer. Agitated, Amane rose to her feet and started pacing back and forth. Whether more of her discomfort came from the pregnancy or what she still had to disclose, Miyuki couldn’t say.

“No matter how much Shizuma said she was committed, subconsciously, it was clear she was unhappy. She didn’t know she was doing it, but she was distant to Nagisa. She was kind to her, but she stopped acting like she was in love with her, because, in the end, she wasn’t. And Nagisa started to realise that, and fell out of love with her too. And Tamao was more than happy to have another opportunity to win Nagisa’s heart, using, by all accounts, much better wooing techniques than those she’d tried previously.”

Pausing in both her tale and her pacing, Amane ran a hand through her hair. “I’m afraid Hikari probably had a lot to do with helping Tamao. I mean, I don’t know for sure, it didn’t happen when I was around, but I’m pretty sure it was happening when I wasn’t there. And then…Well, you know how it ended. Tamao and Nagisa started having an affair, Shizuma found out, Shizuma and Nagisa broke up, Tamao and Nagisa got together, and Shizuma...Is still alone.”

There was almost a note of finality to Amane’s voice that left Miyuki baffled.

“Is that it? That’s the end? I still don’t understand why you think any of this means I shouldn’t be with Shizuma.”

Amane gave Miyuki a frustrated look. “Because, Miyuki, the love affair and everything that came of it only happened because of you. You decided that Nagisa should be the one to fix Shizuma’s broken heart. You made Shizuma a problem for someone else to solve. You think she doesn’t know you did that to her? You cut her off after years of friendship without even saying goodbye, disappearing off into your new married life, leaving Nagisa behind like a gift meant to pay off your debts. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, leaving Shizuma to deal with all the burdens of navigating a female-female relationship, when she knew very well your behaviour was rooted in running away from those same exact challenges.”

Much as all of that stung, it was ground Miyuki had already covered with Shizuma. Amane referring to Nagisa as a gift even echoed Shizuma’s words. If this was all she had in her arsenal, it was weak artillery. Miyuki raised her chin and met Amane’s agitated gaze squarely. “Shizuma and I have already talked that over. I know I did it. I know it was wrong. Why does it still matter? No harm came to Nagisa from the whole sorry mess; as far as I can see she couldn’t be happier with her current circumstances. Shizuma was spared from having to commit herself to someone she didn’t love. Her business gives her the freedom to live as she wishes, out from under her family’s rule, which is most certainly something she would have striven for anyway. What charge are you laying at my door?”

“All those girls after Kaori – Shizuma slept with them half to torment you, and half to try and make you happy. Every time she took a new partner, she hoped that girl would finally be the one to either break your resolve and make you go to her, or break your interest and let her go free. Shizuma’s entire focus was on you, and you knew it. You wanted her like that because you wanted her, but because you couldn’t dare admit it to yourself, you rejected her, over and over, always pushing some new girl into her bed.

“It hurt Shizuma, but…I think she got a strange sort of comfort from knowing it hurt you too. And when she told me what happened between the two of you, I could tell it was _then_ she was going back to. To that time when love and pain were inseparable for her. You know she has that tendency towards allowing pain to swallow her. It’s too late to change that dynamic between you. The whole thing is just…Tainted by what came before.”

Amane gave Miyuki a look like a judge passing sentence; stern and immovable; utterly convinced of the righteousness of her reasoning. “If you love Shizuma, you’ll understand what I’m telling you. Losing any chance at what you might have had with her…It’s the price of your sin, Miyuki. If you really are trying to change, you should have the courage to pay it.”

Miyuki jerked onto her feet as lightning split the sky, her anger breaking ahead of the mounting storm. “I’ve already paid enough for my sins, Amane,” she spat. “A price you can’t imagine – A price you were only spared from paying by a miraculous quirk of fate that gave you the rarest sort of parents who would let you inherit – breed – without a man wedding and bedding you.”

Twin scarlet spots stained Amane’s cheeks; her eyes flashed fury. “Even if they’d demanded it, I wouldn’t have done it! Not even if it meant losing all this.” A wide sweep of her arms took in the woods, the fields, the orchards, the land that had nurtured her family’s wealth and station for generations.

Miyuki folded her arms, adopting a pose of unnatural calm even though she could feel herself shaking with suppressed rage. “But it’s not a choice you ever had to make, is it? It’s not a choice you ever thought you were _going_ to have to make. It must be easy to pronounce on the rights and wrongs of others’ actions when you’ve never had to lay down in the dirt for survival.” She paused. “You know, Momomi gave me a lecture not dissimilar to yours; all about how I could never deserve Shizuma because of my cowardice. At least hers held some kind of weight – She and Kaname really did have to be brave, and suffer, and defy the world. What great conflict have you endured?”

“I had no say in the circumstances that were handed to me. Nor did any of us. It doesn’t change the fact that the decisions you made back then have led to consequences on what possibilities are open to you now. It’s something you have to come to terms with.”

“I will come to terms with it if Shizuma rejects me herself, not before.” Holding herself proudly, Miyuki gave Amane a cold stare. The one Amane gave her back was just as frigid. “I’m done having people tell me who I am, and what I am, and what I am and what I am not allowed to do. I didn’t listen to Momomi, and I won’t listen to you either. You can toss me out. You can forbid Tamao from seeing me again. You can do any damn thing you want, Amane. It won’t make a bit of difference, because I’ve already been through hell, and I’m not afraid anymore.”

Amane’s eyes took on an edge of sadness, though they were still icy as glaciers. “I’m not going to do anything to you Miyuki. Make your own choices. I can’t stop you. All of this is just a warning. If this keeps playing out, I think Shizuma is going to hurt herself, and I think she’s probably going to do it by deliberately hurting you. I don’t want that for her. I don’t want to see her brought that low. But I think that’s what the outcome will be.”

Amane looked away, and spoke again after a short silence, her gaze anywhere but on Miyuki. “You should head back to the house. I’m going to find Hikari. I haven’t seen her come back yet, and I don’t like the look of this storm that’s about to break.”

With an effort, she half turned back and gave Miyuki a curt nod. She walked away without waiting for Miyuki’s response. The interview was over.


	6. Chapter 6

Miyuki’s mood was fouler than the approaching storm on the way back to the house. How dare Amane – How dare she! To judge her so harshly when she knew nothing of what Miyuki had endured, the bitterness of the decisions she’d had to make.

She wished she hadn’t come here now, hadn’t gone along with the whole ridiculous farce. More than anything Miyuki wanted to get away, from Amane and Hikari and their whole sickeningly perfect life, but would Tamao even be willing to leave with the weather about to break?

Miyuki stopped and turned, looking back towards the direction she’d come from, heedless of the rising wind and the rain that was already starting to fall. They must have only driven about two miles to get here. There was probably an even faster way back to Tamao and Nagisa’s cottage if Miyuki cut through the fields. Should she risk it, when she didn’t know the way?

What about the road? The road would be easier. Tamao had a phone; Miyuki could call Amane’s house once she’d reached the cottage and say…What? It didn’t matter. Miyuki would worry about that later. If she was really going to do it, she’d have to go quickly, or she’d get cut off by the road prone to flooding.

Making up her mind, Miyuki began to angle away from the house, slipping into the woods that shielded the property from the nearby public road. She hurried quickly through the trees, keeping a wary eye out for falling branches in the increasingly vicious wind. A hedge barred her way between the road and the edge of the wood, but she found a gap and forced her way through.

She set off at once down the road, still too angry and upset to consider how ridiculous she was being. The stormfront hit in full when she’d taken perhaps five steps; the rain sheeting down so fast it was difficult to see and the sky overheard practically black with clouds. There was a clap of thunder that Miyuki felt through the soles of her shoes, followed by a blinding fork of lightning that seemed to strike frighteningly close. The wind felt like it was buffeting her from all sides, twisting and howling like demon. More lightning struck in the nearby woods and Miyuki felt some of her anger draining away as worry began to take over. How far would she be able to get in this weather?

Then – and Miyuki had to stop for a moment to listen, because she really couldn’t believe it – she thought she heard a car approaching. Next she saw two lights in the distance, cutting through the rain, which soon resolved themselves into the headlights of a car, moving slowly through the storm.

What should she do? Hide? That seemed ridiculous, but if the driver saw her they’d think her mad to be out in a storm like this. It appeared to be too late however, for the driver was already beeping at her and slowing down further.

Gritting her teeth, Miyuki began to run through all the unlikely paper-thin excuses she could make, until she did a double-take and realised that the approaching vehicle was most definitely _Shizuma’s_ car.

Once it was close enough, the car stopped, and Shizuma herself rolled down the window of the driver’s seat part-way, staring at Miyuki in amazement. Miyuki saw that Momomi was in the passenger seat next to Shizuma, and Kaname was in the back behind the driver’s seat, likewise scrutinising Miyuki out of the back-seat window.

“Miyuki!” Shizuma nearly had to yell over the noise of the storm. “I have not the faintest idea how you got here or what you’re doing, but get in now. This weather is filthy.”

“Where are you going?” Miyuki yelled back, though the answer was obvious.

“Amane’s. Now hurry up. I don’t want to spend any more time in this than I have to!”

Kaname opened the back door on her side and then slid over so Miyuki could get in. Miyuki stared at the car door, and then at Shizuma, an excuse already half on her lips.

Shizuma frowned, her expression becoming stubborn. “No way am I leaving you out here, Miyuki. I don’t care what the hell is going on.”

Rolling her eyes, Kaname slid partway back across the seat and grabbed Miyuki’s wrist, practically pulling her into the car.

“Go,” Kaname said to Shizuma shortly, once Miyuki was in.

Shizuma set off, driving slowly, with the back door still open, leaving Miyuki little choice but to slam it shut.

“Where on earth did all this come from?” Momomi murmured in awe from the front seat, looking out into the raging storm.

“There was bad weather forecast for tonight,” said Shizuma, “but it looks like it got here early.”

Miyuki was freezing from her jaunt in the rain, and sat shivering and dripping water all over Shizuma’s car as they inched along, wondering how on earth she was going to explain any of this to Amane, or Tamao, or Shizuma herself for that matter.

And what were Shizuma and the others doing here anyway? Had Amane invited them? Surely not. Amane wouldn’t want Shizuma here while Miyuki was staying with Tamao, and hadn’t Momomi said that Kaname and Amane hated each other?

“If you’re wondering,” said Kaname, having obviously noticed Miyuki’s puzzlement, “this was all Shizuma’s idea. A surprise visit.”

Miyuki glanced at Kaname. She sounded tense, and she looked it too. It could have been the storm, but Miyuki didn’t think that was the source of her discomfort. Indeed, Kaname barely seemed to notice the weather as she glanced out of the window, frowning at some inner thought.

“We’re at the gates,” said Shizuma, relief evident in her voice. “If there are any trees down across the drive, we’ll have to make a run for it, I’m afraid.”

Luckily the drive was clear and they made it the rest of the way to the house without mishap. As they approached, the front door was flung open and Miyuki caught sight of Amane and Hikari, both appearing rather confounded at the arrival of Shizuma’s car.

Shizuma parked and they all sat for a moment after she turned off the engine. The rain drumming on the metal roof was deafening. “Let’s go,” said Shizuma suddenly, pulling the key out of the ignition. She swiftly exited the car and dashed the short distance across to the house, quickly followed by the others.

Amane and Hikari drew back to let them in, and Amane cast a last look outside before she closed the door, as if checking to see there was no one else lurking in the storm.

Miyuki was the last through the door. She found herself in a dim hall, the sounds of the storm suddenly muted. Water was still dripping from her hair and clothing, but at least there was no carpet on the polished wooden floor.

She noticed that both Amane and Hikari had changed into different clothes from what they’d been wearing before, and had dampness lingering in their hair. They must have gotten caught in the storm too on the way back. A slight noise made her look towards the far end of the hall, and rather to her amusement she saw Tamao and Nagisa, heads sticking around the corner to see what was happening. They drew back quickly when they realised Miyuki had seen them, but, knowing them, they were probably still close enough to listen.

“Shizuma—” With the door firmly shut against the storm, Amane’s gaze rested on Shizuma, before shifting to Kaname, then Momomi, and finally back to Shizuma again. “What on earth are all of you doing here? And Miyuki—Where did you go? We were worried something had happened to you.”

Miyuki met Amane’s rather worried look with a flash of her previous anger stirring despite her bedraggled state. “I went for a walk,” she said laconically, voice flat and sarcastic.

Amane’s look of worry deepened, but Shizuma, observing the awkward interaction, quickly intervened and drew attention to herself.

“Amane, Hikari,” she said, all politeness and elegance. “I am sorry to arrive out of the blue like this, and in circumstances rather more dramatic than I intended, but—” She paused, as if searching for the right words. “I’ve brought Kaname and Momomi to see you. Hikari…When we talked a little while ago, you said you’d be open to the possibility of seeing them. Kaname’s letter—”

Looking flustered, Hikari replied, “But I didn’t think you’d bring them without notice! That’s—”

Kaname coughed uncomfortably. “Hikari.” She met Hikari’s wide-open eyes with a subdued expression. “I did mean everything I said in that letter. So did Momomi. I’m sorry for what happened back at Spica. Obviously…Nothing like that will happen again. You have both of our word on that.”

Momomi nodded earnestly in agreement.

Drawing in a breath, Kaname next spoke to Amane, who looked like she couldn’t decide whether to be angry or not. “I tried to ruin your life, and hurt the person you love. You’ve every right to hate me. I was jealous of you for a long time, and…Well, there were other issues that don’t matter now. I’m sorry for what I did to you. To both of you. I know just apologising isn’t really enough, but it’s all I can do.”

Without responding to Kaname, Amane glanced at Shizuma again. “I really can’t believe you brought them without telling us.”

Kaname reddened, humiliated, but didn’t say anything further. Momomi stared at the ground.

“It was presumptuous of me,” Shizuma agreed, without sounding particularly apologetic. “If things didn’t go well, I had planned we could simply go elsewhere, which…Is rather more difficult now.”

“Kaname.” Despite the quietness of Hikari’s voice, they all turned their attention towards her. Breathing more deeply than normal, Hikari continued, “I’m willing to try having you and Momomi here, given that there’s nowhere else you can go right now, and also because I know Shizuma wouldn’t bring you if she didn’t genuinely believe you could be trusted.”

Shizuma inclined her head in acknowledgement as Hikari glanced towards her for a moment.

“But—” Looking back to Kaname, Hikari fixed her with blazing eyes. “If either of you cause the slightest bit of trouble for me or Amane, I’ll throw you both out of the house, storm or no storm. Understood?”

“Yes, we understand,” said Kaname soberly, actually giving a small bow. “Thank you.”

Momomi bowed as well, though she didn’t look happy doing it.

Her posture easing, Hikari nodded. “Good. Now you should all come through to the drawing room. Afternoon tea is being served soon.” She turned and swept away up the hall like a tiny queen, head held high.

Amane gave Kaname and Momomi a cool look, but didn’t contradict anything Hikari said. She held out her arm and gestured them up the hall in Hikari’s wake.

Miyuki, still shivering and dripping rainwater, wondered if she should ask Amane if she could go somewhere to clean up. She longed to get dry, but it seemed like the others had forgotten she was even here, and she got the feeling that the whole scene she’d just witnessed was something that Amane and Hikari would have preferred an outsider not to see. She wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to draw attention to herself.

“Amane.” It was Shizuma who spoke.

Turning back questioningly, Amane said, “Yes?”

“Look after Kaname and Momomi. I need to take Miyuki upstairs to get changed. She’ll die of cold if she stays like this.”

From the sudden swift, guilty glance Amane cast Miyuki’s way, it was clear she _had_ forgotten her presence. She looked as if she wanted to object to Miyuki and Shizuma going off alone together, but it wasn’t possible when there was no one else. Neither Tamao nor Nagisa were in evidence, and Amane was obviously not about to let Hikari out of her sight.

“Okay,” she said reluctantly. “There’s some old clothes—”

“I know. I’ve borrowed things often enough when I’ve stayed here.” Shizuma brushed Miyuki’s arm. “Come on, Miyuki. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Thank you,” said Miyuki, taken aback by the warmth in Shizuma’s eyes, yet so grateful and even hopeful to see it.

Kaname paused to note Miyuki and Shizuma’s departure, and then she and Amane shared an uncomfortable moment of sympathy as each recognised the other’s dislike of this particular development.

Shizuma was evidently familiar with the layout of the Ootori house. Once upstairs on the second floor, she rummaged through a cupboard to find a couple of fluffy towels she placed into Miyuki’s arms, and then took her to a large, luxurious bathroom.

“Shower,” she said shortly. “I’ll find you some clothes.”

Left alone, Miyuki peeled off her wet clothes, removed her sodden shoes and socks, and thankfully stepped under the hot water. It was blissful. As the cold melted out of her bones, she reflected again on her confrontation with Amane. Shizuma’s unexpected arrival only reinforced for Miyuki that everything she’d said to Amane was true. She wasn’t afraid anymore; nor was she ashamed. She’d made her mistakes, and she’d paid for them dearly. She wasn’t going to let anyone tell her she wasn’t allowed to be happy. She wasn’t going to settle for the least amount she could scrape by on.

How to broach any of this with Shizuma was another matter. Miyuki was heartened by her interest, but Shizuma might just be looking out for her as a friend. On the other hand, Momomi and Amane probably wouldn’t be so worried for Shizuma if they thought she wasn’t in danger of having serious feelings for Miyuki.

And then there were all the things Amane had told her about Shizuma’s past – her difficulties with her family, how close she’d come to being trapped in a loveless relationship with Nagisa. Miyuki had abandoned Shizuma and let her go through all that alone, and she owed Shizuma an apology for it. Only Shizuma didn’t know that Miyuki knew any of this, and they were perhaps things Shizuma didn’t want Miyuki to know, given that she hadn’t mentioned any of it on the night they’d gotten together.

With a sigh, Miyuki turned off the shower.

“Shizuma, are you there?”

“Yes. There’s no one around. Come out and I’ll show you where you can get dressed.”

Miyuki wrapped the larger of the two towels around her and exited the bathroom. Shizuma looked her over with an assessing gaze. “Thank goodness you’ve got some colour back. You looked like a ghost wandering down the road in that storm.” She touched her fingers to a few wet strands of Miyuki’s hair. “I was quite shocked when I recognised you,” she added more softly.

“Probably no more shocked than I was to see you,” Miyuki replied, trying, and not quite succeeding, to resist leaning into Shizuma’s touch.

Shizuma smiled, and tilted her head for Miyuki to follow. “This way.”

Miyuki was taken to an oak-panelled bedroom with the unused air of a guest room. As she stepped through the door, Shizuma held out the handful of clothes she was carrying, obviously intending to wait outside.

“You can come in if you want to.” Miyuki didn’t know why she made the offer. Perhaps because of Shizuma’s smile, because of that half-caressing touch outside the bathroom. Because she thought – hoped – Shizuma might welcome the invitation. “You’ve already seen everything of me there is to see.”

The offer seemed to surprise Shizuma for some reason, and she looked at Miyuki for a moment, appearing to weigh the offer in her head, before she agreed.

“All right,” she said, slipping into the room after Miyuki and closing the door. Since there was no fire lit in the hearth there was a chill in the air, making gooseflresh rise on Miyuki’s bare arms. Shizuma deposited the pile of clothes onto the bed and went over to look out the window, discreetly giving Miyuki some privacy.

Looking through the clothes, Miyuki realised they’d probably belonged to Amane at some point. Well, that was rather awkward. Since she didn’t have much choice, she chose a pair of riding breeches that had seen better days, a plain white singlet and a yellow woollen pullover with a hole in the left elbow. There were even some old pairs of socks, which was just as well since her own socks and shoes were not fit to be worn. They’d been left in the bathroom with the rest of her things.

Leaving the towels and the leftover clothes on the bed, Miyuki went over to join Shizuma by the window. The pelting rain was continuing to fall, and some of the trees were bending alarmingly at the force of the wind.

“There’s no way I’ll be able to drive back in this,” Shizuma commented conversationally.

“I don’t think Tamao will be able to either,” said Miyuki.

“Tamao?” said Shizuma, giving Miyuki a quizzical look.

From that, Miyuki guessed Shizuma hadn’t caught sight of Tamao and Nagisa in the hall.

“Tamao and Nagisa are here at Amane’s too,” she explained. “I came to visit them for the holiday, and Tamao suggested we visit Amane and Hikari this afternoon. Now that the storm’s hit…” She trailed off. “Shizuma,” Miyuki met Shizuma’s gaze as Shizuma turned towards her. “I don’t want you to think I came here because I was trying to intrude on your territory. That wasn’t my intention. I had no idea you’d be here. I looked up Tamao because we used to be friends. She was generous enough to extend an invitation to me—”

With the sliver of a smile, Shizuma placed a finger to Miyuki’s lips. “Miyuki, stop being ridiculous. You’re not intruding. I know you and Tamao used to be friends; you’ve every right to see who you like and go where you wish. Besides, my visit is entirely unplanned, as you’ve already heard. There’s no way you could have known I’d be here.”

She shifted her hand to touch Miyuki’s hair again. “Your hair is still wet. Let me dry it for you.”

Miyuki was doing a poor job of hiding how flustered she was to be receiving such attentions from Shizuma. It seemed easier not to ask why, so she simply followed her and allowed herself to be sat down on the bed, facing towards the door with her back to Shizuma.

Shizuma began to towel Miyuki’s hair dry, combing her fingers through the fine, straight strands to prevent any knots.

To cover up her uneven breathing, Miyuki unthinkingly blurted out a question about the scene she’d witnessed downstairs. It was only after she’d asked that she realised it was very unlikely Shizuma would tell her much; whatever had gone down, it was obviously a private matter. But it was too late to take it back once she’d said it. “What was all that about downstairs with Kaname and Momomi and Amane and Hikari? What happened back at Spica? I remember Momomi telling me that Kaname and Amane didn’t like each other. But then she said Amane was willing to help them, when they were in trouble. So surely having them visit shouldn’t be such a big problem?”

“When did Momomi tell you all that?” asked Shizuma.

“Oh, it doesn’t matter,” said Miyuki quickly, again cursing her brain’s sudden inability to think through what she should and shouldn’t be saying.

“Hmm,” Shizuma didn’t sound convinced, but she let it go. “What happened…Is probably not the sort of thing Amane and Hikari would appreciate me telling you. It was rather…Well, I don’t think I can get into it. All I’ll say is that Kaname did some rather awful things to Hikari when she and Amane first started getting together. Kaname knows now that what she did wasn’t okay – Some time ago she wrote a letter to Hikari, apologising for what happened. I didn’t even know about the letter, but Hikari brought it up with me after a while, and said she’d be open to the possibility of seeing Kaname and Momomi sometime, because they’re my friends now. So I pushed things and brought them here. Now then.” Placing the towel aside, Shizuma encouraged Miyuki to turn towards her. Once they were facing, she said, “Perhaps _you_ can tell _me_ what upset you so much you were out in that storm?”

“Shizuma,” said Miyuki in a chiding voice, dropping her eyes.

Shizuma didn’t let up. “You had some kind of disagreement with Amane, didn’t you? I saw the look the two of you exchanged downstairs.”

Miyuki studied the bedspread, considering what she should say since Shizuma was apparently determined to persist. She didn’t feel ready to confess her feelings to Shizuma yet; there were still so many aspects of her life that weren’t in order. And she also didn’t want to say anything that could cause tensions in Shizuma and Amane’s friendship.

“Amane said some things to me that I found upsetting. She offended me, really. But I think she meant well. She wasn’t trying to hurt me.”

“What on earth were the two of you discussing? You haven’t even seen each other since finishing school. What possible cause of conflict could you have?”

“It really doesn’t matter, Shizuma.” Miyuki smiled reassuringly. She reached out and took Shizuma’s hand, partly to distract her, and partly just because she wanted to. “I’m glad to see you.” The words came out in a whisper.

Shizuma leaned closer to her, eyes flicking down to Miyuki’s lips for a moment, and Miyuki leaned in closer too, skin prickling, warmth flooding through her body that made her forget the frigid temperature of the room, yearning for the kiss she was almost certain was coming.

“Shiz-um-ma!” They both jumped and sprang apart as they heard Momomi’s call. “Shizuma, what room are you in? Tamao said you’d probably be somewhere on the second floor! Come out!”

Making a noise of annoyance, Shizuma left Miyuki’s side to go and open the bedroom door. “All right, Momomi, I was just drying Miyuki’s hair. We’re coming downstairs now.” She turned back towards Miyuki, half-apologetic. “We’d better go.”

Miyuki nodded. She noticed Shizuma’s eyes lingering regretfully on her as she rose from the bed, and brushed her hand lightly over Shizuma’s back in silent sympathy as she joined her.

Momomi gave both Shizuma and Miyuki a suspicious look as they trooped out of the bedroom. “You know, Kaname and I were wet from the rain, too. Why didn’t you offer us showers?”

“I’m sure Amane will be very happy to avail you of her home’s bathroom facilities should you so desire it, Momomi,” Shizuma said calmly. “But neither of you looked in need of it to me – All of us were only in the rain for a few seconds, and I notice you seem to be perfectly dry already.”

“Humph. That’s only because there’s a fire in the drawing room.”

Shizuma started heading downstairs. “Excellent. In that case it sounds as if Amane and Hikari are being most gracious hosts. I shall be sure to tell them how pleased I am.”

Momomi followed Shizuma rolling her eyes.

* * *

The drawing room was large and elegant, and, as Momomi had eluded to, warmed by a fire burning in a huge hearth at one end of the room. The racket of the storm was still carrying on, but it seemed like it could spend itself in vain for all eternity before it would ever touch the solid, ancient peace that reigned in this room.

As Hikari had promised, afternoon tea was laid out, and Miyuki was glad to accept several dainty triangle sandwiches and a cup of sweet, steaming tea. She sat down next to Tamao, who gave her a worried glance. “Are you okay, Miyuki?” she asked in a low voice. “What happened?”

“I got caught in the rain,” Miyuki said, and left it at that.

Nagisa and Shizuma were evidently delighted to see each other, and chatted away happily while Shizuma ate her share of sandwiches and tea. Kaname and Momomi were present, along with Amane and Hikari, of course, but Amane’s parents didn’t seem to be about. Miyuki was just wondering where they might be when a handsome woman, probably in her forties, opened the drawing room door and entered.

She too looked like she’d been out in the storm, and her poise, her cultured tones, as well as her resemblance to Amane, obviously indicated she was Amane’s mother.

“Amane dear, the horses are fine; your father and I spent our time to see everything is secure. We’re just going to head upstairs to get changed since we both took on some rain. We’ll be down in a bit.” She nodded quickly to the assembled company. “My apologies for not introducing myself; this has turned into a rather crazy afternoon! I look forward to meeting you all shortly.”

“My mother,” Amane confirmed, after the woman had withdrawn. “She and my father were seeing to the horses. Hikari and I were drenched when we got back here, so they wouldn’t let us do anything but go and get changed. Oh, Shizuma, I had your car put in the garage too, so you needn’t worry about that.”

“Thanks, Amane.”

“Um, I’m afraid I’ve left a lot of wet things in the bathroom,” Miyuki admitted, speaking to Amane without quite looking at her.

“That’s the guest bathroom,” Amane said with a shrug. “My parents have their own. You can get your things a bit later and put them in the kitchen to dry off. It’s always nice and warm in there.”

A short time later, Amane’s mother and father joined the rest of them, and Miyuki and Kaname and Momomi were all properly introduced. Miyuki couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy – They were unfailingly kind to everyone, accepting of and unphased by their guests’ various romantic relationships, and absolutely adoring of Amane and Hikari.

Yes, well might Miyuki’s own life have been more along the lines Amane considered acceptable if she too had had this kind of environment in which to live.

“Now,” said Amane’s mother, once the introductions were done, “This storm is absolutely filthy and word is it’s only going to get worse once darkness comes. I think the only solution is that all of you stay the night. What do you think, Amane dear?”

Amane sighed, but nodded her head. “It’s the only thing we can do.”

And so it was that Miyuki came to spend her second night under the same roof as Shizuma.


End file.
